Tag Archives: love

Confusion and Conviction

So this thing that I wanted to be more than a thing has been cursed. Maybe the moment I decide to broadcast the way I feel about someone on my blog, it becomes the moment that everything goes wrong. I just feel like me and Mr. RA were getting off to a great start, and then suddenly, some demon came and possessed him. That’s actually the only thing I can think of. I can’t come up with a better reason for his change in behavior. He told my roommate that he’s no longer interested in me, and that I’m immature. Then when I went to speak to him this morning, he stated that he was still interested. 

Confusion.

I met in a car accident yesterday, driving from school with a suitemate. We were ironically headed to the dmv so that she could sort out some things when a woman rear ended us. The pain I feel physically right now is immense. I am happy, nevertheless, that I cheated death yet again.

Conviction.

I’m tired. I feel weary. I constantly wonder if I’m actually going to make it to old age, and I’m not talking about the old age that that some people accept, with the one lonely three legged dog, the rocking chair by the lace curtain window and the large Native American quilt with the pack of Siberian Wolves on it. I want more. I can tell you what I hope for. In my silent moments, I have this little beam of hope that reminds me of the way we were created to desire, and of course, I desire love and to be loved, and to love. I concoct this moment in my head of myself being a much older, withered leaf, looking on at her grandchildren and offspring. Once this reverie is over and I’m back to reality, I start pondering on the possibility, but I lack the faith to truly believe that I can have this beautiful ending. I don’t want to get too happy about a possibility and so I just let the possibilty go. It’s easier to let go and never have something, than to wait in hopes that it will show, and when it never does, you are left in despair. I hate that feeling of despair. I run from it.

 

Carmen xoxo

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Heavy Heart

Lord,

It’s me again. I am coming to You with a very heavy heart. I’m overwhelmed and tired of it all. I’m lonely, even though I know You walk with me each day. I feel like no one else understands! I feel like I’m being punished for my mistakes. Are these the consequences I bear for living against Your will?

Lord, I’m hurt. Jesus, it’s not like I haven’t tried to behave. I guess it’s more than trying though… I guess I have to live by my words. It’s not enough to say it, but to live it. I know.

I’m sure You’re gonna say “told ya so”, but I’m hurt because I didn’t think this time, things would end up like this. I assumed Mr. Secret really had good intentions. I assumed that he was the one. He had many qualities that exemplified “the one”, but he wasn’t. I know love isn’t supposed to hurt. I know I shouldn’t have to cry myself to sleep because he didn’t call me, or because he yelled at me and ignored my calls. I know I shouldn’t feel down everyday because of the constant reminder that I am sharing him with many other women. I can’t bear the thought of them having the most intimate parts of what I. All the lies and deceit… I shouldn’t have to be burdened with the thought.

This is my promise, before You and the world (or at least, cyber space): from this day forward, I won’t look back. If Mr. Secret is to be with me, he will make himself worthy. He will show and prove himself as “the one”, and I will not need to debate within the constraints of my mind whether or not I am caught amidst a reverie that appears to be real. I WILL, without a shadow of a doubt, know. If he isn’t, please give me the patience and courage to make it through the days. Wein me off of his strong hold and guide my feet.

I won’t take one step without You.

Send “the one” in Your time, but please, allow us to build a friendship first. I can’t handle another heartbreak. I will continue to serve You.

I trust You.

Carmen xoxo

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Just When You Thought It Was Over

So the last time I spoke about Mr. Secret, it was left on a note that pretty much was us being done. He had gone out of his way to establish that he didn’t want a relationship, and eventually, our friendship dwindled away over the weeks. Then suddenly, this weekend came and I snapped and he sent an email pouring out his feelings. I was shocked, but confused. This was the same guy that told me he didn’t have any genuine feelings for me. I had to talk to him.

Last night, I set up a meeting with him. He came out and got me but we didn’t speak about his email, or us. It was a waste, and we actually argued more and more after he took me back home. We text, emailed, talked, I deleted him from my fb… DRAMA.
This AM, we finally spoke and he opened up to to me. We made some progress, but it became more evident to me that he is fighting me because of his strong feelings for me. I guess we both don’t want to love each other, but the love is definitely there. He can’t shake me. I guess the fact that I’m still writing about him means I can’t either. Idk guys! Ugh!

He makes me happy. When I see him, I feel a bit brighter inside, but is he the one? I don’t know. I’m not taking any steps without my God, and if he can’t open up and be honest with himself or me, then it’s his loss, eh?

Carmen xoxo

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Moody

Can you guys tell that I haven’t been in the mood? I’ve decided to become a non-practicing lesbian until I can pull the pieces together. Over the weekend, I made it my business to concentrate on my list of 20 requirements and qualifications for my future husband. Yeah… yeah… yeah… Think what you want, but you know what?! (Finger wagging action going on at this point… just imagine me waggaing my finger at you, squinting one eye REALLY hard). I think the problem with most of us women is that we settle for every and any little thang that comes by! You know I’m right! We are more concerned with just snagging a man, that we push and push and get left with nothing special. If you have to push, do you really think it’s worth it? Shouldn’t a person want to be with you because you’re just that awesome? Do you know how awesome you are? Maybe that’s the problem. I can relate…

Over the weekend, I’ve been allowing myself to listen to others. Normally, I don’t take relationship or “single lady advice” from people. I’ve found that these days, anything goes, and people want you to believe what they believe simply because they believe it, without facts or reason, but two things from two different people stuck out to me and I have heeded to the calling. The first thing I heard was from a friend that went to a women’s church retreat. An older, married woman had a little talk with my friend, and my friend’s friends. Friend’s friends… yeah that makes sense lol.

Out of everything my friend told me, the biggest thing that hit me was when she said this woman told her that women are not specific enough. Not specific enough? Is this woman insane? Does she not see that there are only like 15 guys left on earth that I would possibly be attracted to, and out of that 15, half are gay and proud, half of that half are convicts in prison, and almost all the rest are cheaters? Then maybe the two left behind that are great are taken, or total bores?! How can I be specific? Weeeeeeeeeellllllllllll, here’s the kicker! She said the woman said be specific and also HAVE FAITH! Oh yeah! Faith like a mustard seed! Prove God, right? I mean, He is God, isn’t He?

Well the other thing that struck a chord was a guy friend that said to me, “well Carmen, you’ve got this great list with all these things you want in a man, like abs and great skin, but what do you have to offer?” I stuttered for a minute and blurted out “LOVE”!, like it wasn’t an obvious answer. Duh? “Not good enough”, he said. Wtf? I thought I would slap him. My love is good enough! I whined in my head “why not”??? Then he went on to say that I have to recognize something about myself that would draw any man in, and then hone in on my confidence, because that’s what will set me apart. Finally, we came to the conclusion that the writer in me, and the artsy fartsy, singing, creative gal that I am are these traits I have that set me apart. All my creative juices make me special! I NEVER EVER thought about that. I was trying to persuade him with talks about how I’m domesticated and clean (HAAAAAAA!) And he wasn’t interested. He kept saying “not good enough”. I wanted to slap him, but I finally got the jist of what he was saying. Every man is different. Some men are attracted to certain things, and if I never gain that confidence within myself, and the things that make me special, I am just a bland glass of water. Nothing will set me apart.

Well, confidence is a huge issue I have, but that stems from me not feeling adequate enough because of the things I don’t have accomplished. Granted, we Christians are supposed to be confident because we are children of God. Somehow, I’ve never quite mastered that confidence. I feel that I am possibly smart, but to say I am an intellect would be a push without a Ph.D. backing me up. Those things seem to automatically make people appear smarter than they truly are. I guess certain accomplishments would strength my confidence, but guys! I need time to get these things together… which is why I’ve decided that I refuse to date or even look around with intentions to date until I have accomplished a few of these goals.

I’ll keep you guys posted.

Carmen xoxo

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Done With Mr. Secret!

So as you all know, Mr. Secret and I had a friends with benefits relationship that worked just fine until we slept together about a month ago (or was it after he kissed me? I don’t even know anymore). It only happened once, but once was enough to destroy everything, and his entire personality has hence changed since the amazing “one night episode” we had. I wouldn’t lie. It was beautiful.

He wasn’t fucking me. He wasn’t trying to “tear my ass up”. He didn’t have “a point to prove” to me. He didn’t want to “destroy my pussy”. He wasn’t trying to hurt me, and yet, somehow, I got hurt…
He held me gently… he was gentle with me, like I was porcelain. He took his time, and made sure to caress my skin and enjoy me in that moment. I can’t say I didn’t feel good with him, but was it worth it? Certainly not.

We exchanged a few emails that told each other exactly how much we regret what we did, but it didn’t stop there. Mr. Secret expressed to me that he basically did not want a relationship, friendship, or business relationship with me. Of course, I went in and told him he’d never get a chance to be with me again. He said he basically didn’t care and that he would survive. Somehow, I wish I could believe that, because I want to, but I don’t. I told him it was his loss and he said he didn’t give a fuck. I told him to lose my number and he sent the final email that hurt me so much that all I could do was lock my room door, shut off my lights, close my navy blue curtains to make my room dark and slide into bed, crying myself to sleep. Of course I knew he had other women, but for some reason, I began believing him, which was my biggest mistake. I started to believe him because I never thought he would try to play me. Not me. Not Carmen. Not his very good friend. Not the woman he pursued, wanted, and damn near adored. Not Carmen. I’m better than that… but not for him.

Sigh…

So he wound up breaking my heart, but fortunately for me, I don’t ever stay down long. When I hear Marvin’s Room, I think of him, and how he had always told me I could do better, throughout every relationship I’ve had. Little did I know that he would mean in in every aspect, including himself.

This morning, a giy I used to talk to for quite some time, hut me up on messenger. Oddly enough, he sent me his number and we started corresponding again. We’ll call this guy “Mr. Six Figures”, because this guy is making money! He’s a college grad, that went to an Ivy League college, and he took up computer science. He’s a hot shot techie for a big company and works in the Columbus Circle area. He’s sexy as all hell, standing at 6’2″, and believe me, his locks are long and gorgeous. I still remember him being the best kisser I have ever experienced. I had all kings of butterflies and birds in my stomach when he passionately kissed me. I still wonder about him, and if we could have worked.

Well his interest this morning reminded me that I am more than a catch, and if Mr. Secret isn’t interested anymore, someone else will be. Maybe it won’t be Mr. Six Figures, who made me feel like a goddess when he kissed me on my forehead. There was so much love there, and he was so great at making me feel very special. We never slept together. He had always said he wanted to preserve that between us. It wasn’t that he didn want to. He did, but he didn’t want to ruin what we had, and I respected him so much for that. In the end, his dinking issues took a toll on our relationship and we decided to just hault. I couldn’t take his anger, and he couldn’t take my inexperience… an di was very inexperienced. He was the first person I seriously talked to after my ex and I fell head over heels into him.

We’ll see… and of course, I will keep you all posted.

Carmen xoxo

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Sike, Psych

Sick of it. Mad as hell. Angry Black Woman. Angry woman period, man! I’m so fed up, and I’m messed up, and I’m the one to blame for my own short comings. I know you guys want to see me happy and in love, but I doubt it’s happening this time. Mr. (Well you know who… shhhhhhhhh) is playing games and I’ve come to the conclusion that we won’t work if I’m the only one that wants it to.

Sometimes I think about what it would be like to be hugged by him again. I think about his touch (ugh) and how passionately he kisses me… why did he have to kiss me??!!

I think about things that have never happened, that should have, like pulling him back into bed in the morning, spooning, long make out sessions, trips out of the country, fights where he grabs me up and settles the argument with a kiss…

Nope… not reality. Not even close. His dismissive behavior is getting so much worse, and I’m beyond tired at this point. I must admit to you all that I’m not innocent. I wound up reading some old messages we sent back and forth, & I saw where I had said a lot of things to hurt him if he was serious about me. I just assumed that he was running game on me, but if he wasn’t, then I was a BIOTCH. What we lack now is communication. What we lack is understanding. I have NO clue how he feels, and from re-reading the messages, it would appear to me that he did have strong feelings but that after a while, he got tired of me shutting him down, so he gave up and moved on.

Ugh!

Sigh…

I guess it’s time to move on too…

Carmen xoxo

I’ll keep you guys posted on my seriously sad love life... LOL … or lack thereof…

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Sand In My Phone

So I’ve learned my lesson! Never ever go to the beach at night with a tall, dark, handsome man that has an accent and expect that you won’t wind up in his arms, passionately kissing each other. Damn.

I was hanging out with my long time friend. We’ll call him Mr. Tall, Darl & Handsome. He bought a new car and he came to pick me up. He bought me some food and we drove to the boardwalk/ beach and sat in the car and talked. He’s a part- time professional soccer player (mmm hmmm) and he has the sweetest personality. Of course, I’ve never ever EVER seen him like that before, and I still don’t.

We eventually got out the car and walked on the boradwalk. Soon, we were on the sand, walking towards the shore. It was such a beautiful night last night. Then of course, me being the adventurous, spontaneous person I am, decided to climb a lifeguard chair and sit. He came up and the two of us were fine until I had begun to get cold…

He wrapped his arms around me to keep me warm and I kinda just fit into them (his arms). We talked for a bit, and then, out of nowhere, he bit me! Not once, but twice on my chin/ right cheek area! I was so angry, but shortly after, after attempting to bite him back on his shoulders, we kissed.

It wasn’t planned and he agreed when I said we couldn’t ever kiss again because we’re friends. Can I share a secret with you guys though?

While we kissed and I closed my eyes, all I could think about was Mr. Secret and how much I’ve grown to love him, and how hurt I am that he doesn’t want to share his world with me anymore. What is he so scared of? Settling down? Maybe he isn’t the one, like I assumed he’d be? I need to pray…

So I didn’t feel bad about kissing Mr. Tall, Dark & Handsome, because hey, I’m single, he is single, and nobody was hurt in the process, but I did feel bad in some way, like I was betraying Mr. Secret, even though he isn’t mine, and doesn’t even want to be. Mr. Secret puts up this stupid wall to push away any woman that  seems to get too close. I know I said I wouldn’t discuss him anymore, but until we come to a solid conclusion and get some closure, we cannot continue to move forward. People are telling me that it’s evident Mr. Secret loves me, and he himself has apparently danced along the lines of saying that he does, but I guess he lives in fear of the unknown and unknown of what we could be, or if we could even last, or if he could live up to my expectations I’m pretty much over it. At this point, I just need closure to move forward, but I know the love will remain for quite some time. As a friend of mine said “you don’t just pick up and stop loving somebody like that. You’re in denial and you’re hurt because you’re in love!”

As for Mr. Tall, Dark & Handsome, we’ve already discussed that the friendship will remain and that it was just because we were caught up in that moment. It was romantic! Don’t judge me! It would have happened to you too! Anyway, I’m not taking that anywhere, especially because when we kissed, I felt nothing. Maybe I am in love with Mr. Secret?

Lucky me…

Carmen xoxo

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