Tag Archives: Friendship

Confusion and Conviction

So this thing that I wanted to be more than a thing has been cursed. Maybe the moment I decide to broadcast the way I feel about someone on my blog, it becomes the moment that everything goes wrong. I just feel like me and Mr. RA were getting off to a great start, and then suddenly, some demon came and possessed him. That’s actually the only thing I can think of. I can’t come up with a better reason for his change in behavior. He told my roommate that he’s no longer interested in me, and that I’m immature. Then when I went to speak to him this morning, he stated that he was still interested. 

Confusion.

I met in a car accident yesterday, driving from school with a suitemate. We were ironically headed to the dmv so that she could sort out some things when a woman rear ended us. The pain I feel physically right now is immense. I am happy, nevertheless, that I cheated death yet again.

Conviction.

I’m tired. I feel weary. I constantly wonder if I’m actually going to make it to old age, and I’m not talking about the old age that that some people accept, with the one lonely three legged dog, the rocking chair by the lace curtain window and the large Native American quilt with the pack of Siberian Wolves on it. I want more. I can tell you what I hope for. In my silent moments, I have this little beam of hope that reminds me of the way we were created to desire, and of course, I desire love and to be loved, and to love. I concoct this moment in my head of myself being a much older, withered leaf, looking on at her grandchildren and offspring. Once this reverie is over and I’m back to reality, I start pondering on the possibility, but I lack the faith to truly believe that I can have this beautiful ending. I don’t want to get too happy about a possibility and so I just let the possibilty go. It’s easier to let go and never have something, than to wait in hopes that it will show, and when it never does, you are left in despair. I hate that feeling of despair. I run from it.

 

Carmen xoxo

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I Got Somethin’ For Ya’

Mr. Secret has officially rubbed me the wrong way. I almost wanted all that he had to give me. Now I see that he has issues that go way farther than I can reach. These issues need fixing, and I don’t have the proper tools. He is not the one for me to stress over. Had he been the one, he would have not made things so difficult. He’s built up a huge, strong wall, and he barricades everyone out. He is scared to let his guards down and enjoy himself with anyone, no matter how seemingly harmless they may appear.

I studied enough psychology, as you all know. With one semester left as a psychology major, I’m “7/8 of a psychologist”, as I often joke around saying. I have read him well and I know where he is coming from. I understand so well. At this point in his life, he’s looking to settle down, but he hasn’t met anyone worthy as yet, so he continues to have fun. In having fun, he opens himself up to having many different sexual relations with all types of women. Subconsciously, he’s looking for a quality woman. This type of woman he hopes to snag has to allow him to chase her. He has to know that he can’t just have her. There is just one problem…

No matter how great a woman is to Mr. Secret, he loses interest quickly and always keeps a few options opened. He is very weary of how close and intimate he gets. He rarely ever opens himself up, and a woman might even believe that they have something, which in truth, may be next to nothing in Mr. Secret’s world. When he gets what he wants, he leaves, hoping to get a new chase. The moment he feels that he is getting too heavy into anything, he immediately retreats.

Mr. Secret has an anger issue as well. I can’t even talk to him anymore. He avoids any topic that does not interest him and once you slightly begin to get him annoyed, he shuts down on you.

I truly miss the friendship we both had before we got to know one another a bit better, but the lessons learned are priceless. What can I say? I’m not going to sit around and pray that he stays in my life if he doesn’t want to be there anymore. I’ve got a better one. Since he is so focused on hisself and his own feelings, I realized that I need to stop being so concerned about his condition, and worry about myself. I’m always trying to be the better, bigger person, but somehow, in this situation, it pays to be less concerned. I still pray for him everyday, but the friendship I yearned for is now gone. He’s been too unkind for me to ignore. I’m just going to love him from a distance.

Hey, what can I say? Life is still good.

Carmen xoxo

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Mr. Intimacy Is Outta Here!

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What a waste of time. After a week, I got so tired of this guys foolishness. He asked me to come outside and see him. I did, even though it was late. Do you know that this fool tried to force a kiss on me? Not once but several times. He eventually got fed up and when he started with the whole “this isn’t going to work if you’re not interested in me and I’m liking you”, I stood my ground. I guess he wasn’t expecting me to be such a tough cookie, but I’m really allergic to bullshit and I had to just let him go. I told him to have a good night and I walked away.

He called me to tell me not to feel bad, but this asshole didn’t even see it coming when I said “I don’t feel bad. You made your choice and that was your decision.” That’s when he tried to get back to me and said “I mean, you’re mad cool and I really wanted to get to know you, but you didn’t seem interested”. All I could say was “take care” and I hung up.

When you know your worth, you start to accept less and less bullshit that people give you. I’m starting to realize that so far, only one guy has been able to give me shit that I can handle, because I love him. All the others don’t seem nearly as worth it. It hadn’t even been a week and this guy couldn’t get the hint that I wasn’t trying to make out with him in front of my house. Wtf? What kind of woman was he expecting me to be? I’ve only ever kissed FOUR men in my life and I was only inlove with one and that was my ex. I only kiss guys I really really like or I can see a relationship coming from it.

If you too are allergic to bullshit, feel free to comment on any bullshit you’ve encountered lately. I’m all ears.

Carmen xoxo

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What This Woman Wants

Dealing with Mr. Secret and Mr. Yesterday has helped me to really hone in on what I am looking for in a man. I’m done making exceptions. I’ve realized that though many say black women don’t have any ability to really be picky, because statistics show that more and more of us are remaining single our entire lives (and it’s not by choice), I am still not settling. Now settling has nothing to do with my preference. I know now that I may not get Mr. Six- Foot- Three, One Hundred Ninety Five Pounds, Caramel Skin With the Deep Brown Eyes. Every black woman is told of this “prince charming” that rarely ever appears, and if he does, you would probably wish you had never met him. He almost always comes with so much baggage, baby mama drama, a long, extravagant sexual history, and an obsession with women that appears to never go away. I don’t want him anymore. He’s usually used his looks to get him through many a good or bad situation, climbing up a ladder of success with women, in his jobs, and throughout college. He is “babied” by his mother and you would have to keep an eye out for his female “friends”, who have probably already had an experience with him that left her hanging around, waiting for him to wake up and realize that she is the one for him. I don’t want him.

I will be happy with a man who is black, of mixed race, asian, caucasian, hispanic, middle eastern, you name it, I won’t mind it at all. I can honestly say I have either dated, gone out with, or talked to almost every single race. I even talked to a guy from Persia who admitted that he had been interviewed by the FBI (needless to say that I believed his honesty and that he was not a bad guy, but I knew that he wouldn’t last for me because I was annoyed that when I wore heels, I towered over him). Height is an issue for me. I don’t discriminate against races. I only have a few stipulations that have no effect on a person of any race. This pretty much applies to every or any man.

For one thing, I prefer men that are involved in the arts, and more precisely, music. However it may be, I do not care, but I prefer to be understood by someone who either has a liking for all types of music, or at least, open to it. I would prefer to deal with someone who enjoys my singing, or at least, can bear that I do it every time I step in the shower. I would prefer someone who either plays an instrument, sings, is a freelance writer, an artist or at least, has an inclination to surround himself around those that do. That being said, if it isn’t so, I do not mind. I would not want to be around this person all the time. I wouldn’t want to be in the same group, or work with this person constantly. That would be too much. I would appreciate it more if they had their own thing and only offered assistance occasionally.

I also need to be with someone who has an open mind to Christianity, if they are not yet a Christian. Despite my religion believing that to be unequally yoked is to not be in the same religion, I just believe it has more to do with not being of the same faith. As long as the person is Christian, or open to the faith, by all means, I am open to what he has to offer.

I have a strict policy against cheating. As a matter of fact, I don’t stand for it. There seems to be this new fad where women have gotten accustomed to, and even believe that all men cheat. THIS IS A LIE LADIES. THAT’S WHAT MOST MEN WOULD WANT YOU TO BELIEVE, BUT IT ISN’T TRUE. Some men cheat, but not all, and it is possible to be with someone who does not choose to think with his other head when he sees a pair of legs pass by, if you know what I’m talking about. I am a faithful person and I expect the same respect and honesty that I give. I make no exceptions. I refuse to accept this as a “thing to get over”. If I am faithful, that person must also be faithful in return. I can honestly say that it is because I have NEVER stood for this type of behavior, that it has never been presented before me. I swear for no man, but I can hold my head high knowing that I was not with someone or dated someone who was also seeing another woman. A lot has to do with what you accept from the beginning.

Communication and a good friendship is key. I need to be good friends with the person I am with. I want to be able to have open dialogue. Regardless of disagreements, I do not believe in ever going to bed angry. We can agree to disagree, but why not discuss it in the morning? Why not kiss and makeup for the sake of a free heart before bed. I hate tussling at night with an angry heart or guilty conscience. I think that when you have found a true friend in the person you love, the friendship is what glues you together. I’ve found that if the person is only your lover, it is easier to replace them, but a good friend is hard to find, or to match. Think about the person you have had the greatest love affair with. Wasn’t he/ she your friend and confidant? If you’ve lost your love, don’t you still remain friends, or miss the friendship? Friendship is key. You have to like the person you are with in order to fully love them.

I would like someone who shows their mother and sister or grandmother love and affection and a lot of RESPECT. I’ve noticed that men that treat their mother and sister well, tend to treat their women well too. Men that come with family issues and a dysfunctional family background tend to carry that same background into their relationships. If that person has issues, as many of us do, I would want them to at least be able to talk about with someone who can help them, like a minister, counselor, or psychologist. It is something that must be dealt with, rather than repressed. I wouldn’t shun someone just because they have had a troubled childhood. At this point, who hasn’t?

I need someone who sympathizes with me at times, stands strong, but can admit when he feels a bit weak and needs my encouragement, is compassionate and caring to those less fortunate, allows himself to be loved, love, and can be intimate with ME, allows me to feel safe in his arms, is aware of his surroundings and loves to lend his services where needed to those that may not be able to repay him with monetary gifts. I need a lover and a fighter, but not in the sense that I will be fought with, but someone who can stand up for the underdog, and fight against injustice. I want someone who knows when he is presented with a real woman, like myself, and knows that he’s received gold; that a woman who just depends on her beauty to extract what she wants from people will only leave him naked and empty, but that a REAL woman will fill his heart with love, his mind with positivity, and his stomach with home cooked meals. A real woman knows that it is not enough to be a freak in the bedroom, a lady and a domesticated woman. Sometimes, all of that doesn’t really matter. A real woman knows that her genuine heart, good love, and her positivity will keep a good man coming back. I need someone who loves to love, and can allow himself to become inundated with my love. That’s NOT too much to ask.

Life is easy. We human beings make it difficult, sowing seeds of discord and searching for ways to hurt one another. We often times, forget the many good things that occur in our lives, and dwell on the negative. We are angry, bitter and ungrateful people, but the majority of us search for one pure thing. My desire to love, and be loved is the best thing I have inside of me. God has bestowed us with this beautiful gift that can warm and soften even the coldest, most callous heart.

I am excited because I have hope that one day, I’ll write a blog entry telling you all that I’ve found Mr. The One. Not Mr. Right Now, Mr. Yesterday, Mr. New Guy, or Mr. Secret, but Mr. The One. So no! I cannot settle! I don’t care what statistics may say. I cannot settle for less than what I know I deserve. Not everyone in a relationship is happy, and if that be the case, what is the reason for being in a relationship that is not fruitful? I refuse to settle, waking up everyday and wondering why I am still with someone that brings me no joy all for the sake of being “together”. I would rather become a statistic. An old maid. For those of you who have been blessed to find your Mrs. Or Mr. The One, do not take it for granted! For those of you that wait patiently, have hope. I am eager to hear your comments as well one day!

Remember, love more each day because tomorrow is not promised…

Carmen xoxo

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Done

I had to end things with Mr. Secret last night. I realized that I would never get the things I desired. I am very selective with whom I choose to deal with, which has proven successful and healthy for me, because the less people I open myself to, the less tragic I feel about my love life.

Well Mr. Secret has a serious problem with emotions. Last night was a sure testimony of that. He separated himself so well that I knew everything was purely sexual. There was no attachment there and his only desire was to satisfy me and be satisfied. Of course when he attempted to take things further, I stopped him. I wasn’t ready to take what we had to a full on sexual intercourse level. There was no discussion. I gave an out right no that was firm and consistent with my body expression and facial expression. There was no joke about it. I knew I would never allow him to conquer me.

The lack of emotion was so bad, that when I got in his car, he asked me if I was okay. I was, and I told him that, but I explained to him that we couldn’t do this again. He was perfectly fine with it. Guys, there was no debate and he didn’t even want to know why! I was annoyed by this. I decided that I wouldn’t even go into details about my feelings. I hoped that texting him would allow me to get across to him why I made my decision. His only response, after about 10 texts, was that what we had done would not change our friendship. This was somewhat a relief, but also, it bothered me that after all I had said, there was really no discussion. It really solidified my feelings that he was not interested in anything I had to offer, or even me for that matter, because even if his supply was officially cut off, he had plenty of others that were ready, willing and begging for a chance to get close to him. I guess he figures that it’s my loss. I know that it’s not. It feels more like his loss, but deep down, I’m not angry because I know in my heart he is not the person I need to have any type of relations with.

Carmen xoxo

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While My Pen Gentle Weeps

I write a lot. I think writing has become more than therapeutic for me. It’s the only way I can freely express myself. It bothers me when I still spell simple words wrong. English majors shouldn’t misspell any word, ever. I guess it’s the fault of my generation not being able to advance beyond the one that came before it. Statistics show it. We just fall short.

I fell short this week. I behaved badly. I allowed myself to get sucked in by temptations web and I enjoyed it, but only for the moment. Actually, when I think back on it, I enjoy it all over again, but now I’ve had time to think. I didn’t go too far. I mean, look, I got hot and heavy with a “secret” person. In fact, we’ll call him Mr. Secret from now on. Mr. Secret surprised me. I didn’t know he was coming in and pulling out his experience and tricks. Why did I allow myself to get sucked in? Well, for starters, I started it.

It’s my fault guys and if I come crying back to you all, I accept your “I told you so’s” well in advance. Ok I know you guys are waiting for the details, so I’ll give as much as I can, granted that he is a big secret.

Mr. Secret is a good friend of mine. How we became friends, and what spheres we are in, I cannot indulge. Let’s just say he is an older friend and he knows for the most part, what women want. We had begun talking about things related to sex a few months back, and according to him, you could only talk about it with someone you feel comfortable talking with about it for a certain amount of time, before you want to find out what that person is like. Well I wouldn’t allow things to get that far. Unfortunately, I crave to know what he is like in that aspect, but I just can’t bring myself go there with him and get hurt. I’m very skeptical of the way other’s handle my feelings. Mouths are made to talk. I need solid, genuine actions.

Mr. Secret loves women. Aside from loving women, he’s got a few he balances and juggles in his daily life. How he does it, only God knows, but I am disgusted by it (me being a feminist and all). He’s never led me on to believe that he sees something special in me that would make him want to settle down with me, and he’s already told me my age was a factor. I never cared before, because I never thought of him in any way more than just my friend and mentor. I was never impressed by all the great things he had and his accomplishments. I was never impressed in his popularity and he never once crossed my mind as my future.Material things don’t matter much to me. Don’t get me wrong… it is certainly admirable.  We would flirt, but part of my lack of interest was his lack of interest in me. He seemed to be open to all types of women, and I’ve always wanted to know that there was something about me that made me special to any man.  We would share past relationship stories and even current “love life” situations with each other. He followed my tangled web of a tale when I was going through my ordeal with Mr. Yesterday (formerly known as Mr. New Guy). He was the one that gave me some great advice and helped me to see that Mr. Yesterday was just full of it. We have a great friendship that I don’t want to lose. Still, I fell short this week.

Mr. Secret and I were not even talking about our sexual desires or his sexcapades when I blurted out that I may need his assistance one day. My mouth just knows when to get me into trouble. Well Mr. Secret said he’d be willing to “taste” me that same night and I reluctantly took him up on the offer.

Was everything great?

Maybe the real question is, was everything worth it? I’m not sure. Before, I had this sense of power with him. I would never tell him that openly, but I was respected by him, and I had the ability to bob and weave him however I saw fit. We women have a leverage over men that way. They call it the “power of the pussy”. It’s very real. Then I fell short.

I wanted to ask him today what was so special with his rush. Normally I would be able to ask him where he was going and possibly even with who. Today, I watched him leave and wondered why I couldn’t speak, dumbfounded by my own silence.

I never saw myself with him. I never thought highly of his lifestyle and obsession with women. I never looked at him and thought I would sink into temptation, and that he would even allow me to go there. I honestly thought I wasn’t even a flashing thought in his mind.

We shared no real intimacy. We did not embrace. We did not kiss. It was strictly carnal and animalistic desire put to rest, like a dog being taken down. It was all fire and then it died. He assures me that he too enjoyed himself, and he wanted to get a second helping another time, but I doubt his sincerity. I also doubt that I would subject myself to such a thing as being made to feel good without being loved. I didn’t believe in it before, and I don’t see the sense in it now.

He lacks emotion. He isn’t moved by my words (no matter how beautiful I may construct them to be), nor does he show any favouritism towards me. I am no different from the women he sees and admires on the street and his allegiance to me is no different from any other woman he’s tasted. I do realize that I allowed myself to fall short. I feel a difference in our friendship that he cannot see. I am reluctant to call him. I fear that he will assume I am not handling what went down between us well and end our friendship, and that is a bit scary. “If she couldn’t handle a taste test, surely SHE could never handle penetration”, is what I believe he’d say, or maybe even “damn she just got a taste and started acting crazy”.

That’s my biggest fear.

I don’t want to be like the others. I don’t want to succumb to the stereotypes of women. I don’t want to start looking at him in any other way than my friend. I know possibly one day our friendship will end, as do most in our climb up the timeline of life. I guess everything happens for a reason. I just want to be on the receiving end of something good for once.

I just have one problem.

Now that I’ve fallen short, I wonder if I can stop my thoughts. I crave a moment again where I am made to feel like my body is the only thing that matters. I haven’t allowed that to happen in a very long time. Even more so than that, I have NEVER allowed myself to be pleased in such a way. I was shocked that I was so comfortable with Mr. Secret, because I allowed things that I would normally be a bit conservative about. Mr. Secret treated me with such a gentle kindness. He made sure not to make me feel uncomfortable, which I knew stemmed from his experience with women, but he is broken. Mr. Secret separates his emotions from almost all the women he deals with. He has mastered that art, and I don’t think he can ever snap out of it.

I’ve never been a fan of separating emotions from sex acts or sex. I really think the two go hand in hand. I am left to search my soul and find out why I now watch him when he exits a room. What the hell happened to me that night? I didn’t get drunk. I didn’t get caught up. I didn’t get shook up. He didn’t send me crawling up the ceiling like Spiderman. It wasn’t that great, was it?

My only relief is that I lose interest quickly and as of today, I am losing it. I don’t want to be the only person that has an interest when I know he will never be interested in only me. I don’t want to hate him because he isn’t capable of giving me more. I know without a doubt he doesn’t care, and I hate the fact that men can play with a woman’s mind because they know the art of seduction well. I still don’t know how everything happened, and how I slipped and allowed my mouth to get me into trouble. I can honestly say that I wanted it. I didn’t set out my day intentionally seeking it, but I wanted him. I won’t deny that part. I would have him again but I am just the slack he picked up once to add another notch to his belt he claims he no longer wears, but I know he does. What man doesn’t feel good when a younger woman they only thought they could conquer gives in? And I did just that. I fell short and all I want is for him to call and say “pick you up at 8”?

Carmen xoxo

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Well Well Well

Yesterday was interesting. Mr. New Guy and I spent quality time alone and of course I started to be this seductive tigress, so I guess we could say that I was asking for it. We escalated but we didn’t get “intimate”. I’m glad we both had that self control though.

I’m going to take things a day at a time. He is very immature and i worry that he is so obsessed and caught up with his friends that if he were to ever decide that he wanted to settle down and be with me, I’d make him feel as if he were being putting on lock down, which totally isn’t the case. I’m a firm believer in my time being my time. Friends can certainly have their time, but a real man knows how to balance his friendships from his relationship. People don’t set barriers and standards anymore. It’s a free for all nowadays. Friends are almost always more than friends and if he says she’s just a friend, she was probably once his girlfriend that he still occasionally sleeps with, and vice versa. The standards that we have are gone. When Mr. New Guy tells me that he’s going out with this girl or that girl, I can’t even say anything, because we are just “talking” and he is still entitled to “get his”, but if I were his girlfriend, you better believe I’m shutting everything down like Jericho walls just tumbling. Free for all is OVER! You hear me? OVERRRRRRR! Done! Fin!

Damnit! You can’t even trust women anymore to say, “oh she would never do that with my guy because she said they are just ‘friends’. She is better than that”. Next thing you know, party pics surface on Facebook and people have a dumbfounded look on their faces like they didn’t know that the flashing light was a camera taking pics. Some people are beyond foolish.

Relationships are so time consuming. It’s easier to purchase a vibrator and save yourself the drama.

As it is right now, I’m still up in the air about this fool. I don’t have a clue if he stays or goes, but I’ll keep you all posted.

Carmen xoxo

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