Tag Archives: faith

Confusion and Conviction

So this thing that I wanted to be more than a thing has been cursed. Maybe the moment I decide to broadcast the way I feel about someone on my blog, it becomes the moment that everything goes wrong. I just feel like me and Mr. RA were getting off to a great start, and then suddenly, some demon came and possessed him. That’s actually the only thing I can think of. I can’t come up with a better reason for his change in behavior. He told my roommate that he’s no longer interested in me, and that I’m immature. Then when I went to speak to him this morning, he stated that he was still interested. 


I met in a car accident yesterday, driving from school with a suitemate. We were ironically headed to the dmv so that she could sort out some things when a woman rear ended us. The pain I feel physically right now is immense. I am happy, nevertheless, that I cheated death yet again.


I’m tired. I feel weary. I constantly wonder if I’m actually going to make it to old age, and I’m not talking about the old age that that some people accept, with the one lonely three legged dog, the rocking chair by the lace curtain window and the large Native American quilt with the pack of Siberian Wolves on it. I want more. I can tell you what I hope for. In my silent moments, I have this little beam of hope that reminds me of the way we were created to desire, and of course, I desire love and to be loved, and to love. I concoct this moment in my head of myself being a much older, withered leaf, looking on at her grandchildren and offspring. Once this reverie is over and I’m back to reality, I start pondering on the possibility, but I lack the faith to truly believe that I can have this beautiful ending. I don’t want to get too happy about a possibility and so I just let the possibilty go. It’s easier to let go and never have something, than to wait in hopes that it will show, and when it never does, you are left in despair. I hate that feeling of despair. I run from it.


Carmen xoxo

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Can you guys tell that I haven’t been in the mood? I’ve decided to become a non-practicing lesbian until I can pull the pieces together. Over the weekend, I made it my business to concentrate on my list of 20 requirements and qualifications for my future husband. Yeah… yeah… yeah… Think what you want, but you know what?! (Finger wagging action going on at this point… just imagine me waggaing my finger at you, squinting one eye REALLY hard). I think the problem with most of us women is that we settle for every and any little thang that comes by! You know I’m right! We are more concerned with just snagging a man, that we push and push and get left with nothing special. If you have to push, do you really think it’s worth it? Shouldn’t a person want to be with you because you’re just that awesome? Do you know how awesome you are? Maybe that’s the problem. I can relate…

Over the weekend, I’ve been allowing myself to listen to others. Normally, I don’t take relationship or “single lady advice” from people. I’ve found that these days, anything goes, and people want you to believe what they believe simply because they believe it, without facts or reason, but two things from two different people stuck out to me and I have heeded to the calling. The first thing I heard was from a friend that went to a women’s church retreat. An older, married woman had a little talk with my friend, and my friend’s friends. Friend’s friends… yeah that makes sense lol.

Out of everything my friend told me, the biggest thing that hit me was when she said this woman told her that women are not specific enough. Not specific enough? Is this woman insane? Does she not see that there are only like 15 guys left on earth that I would possibly be attracted to, and out of that 15, half are gay and proud, half of that half are convicts in prison, and almost all the rest are cheaters? Then maybe the two left behind that are great are taken, or total bores?! How can I be specific? Weeeeeeeeeellllllllllll, here’s the kicker! She said the woman said be specific and also HAVE FAITH! Oh yeah! Faith like a mustard seed! Prove God, right? I mean, He is God, isn’t He?

Well the other thing that struck a chord was a guy friend that said to me, “well Carmen, you’ve got this great list with all these things you want in a man, like abs and great skin, but what do you have to offer?” I stuttered for a minute and blurted out “LOVE”!, like it wasn’t an obvious answer. Duh? “Not good enough”, he said. Wtf? I thought I would slap him. My love is good enough! I whined in my head “why not”??? Then he went on to say that I have to recognize something about myself that would draw any man in, and then hone in on my confidence, because that’s what will set me apart. Finally, we came to the conclusion that the writer in me, and the artsy fartsy, singing, creative gal that I am are these traits I have that set me apart. All my creative juices make me special! I NEVER EVER thought about that. I was trying to persuade him with talks about how I’m domesticated and clean (HAAAAAAA!) And he wasn’t interested. He kept saying “not good enough”. I wanted to slap him, but I finally got the jist of what he was saying. Every man is different. Some men are attracted to certain things, and if I never gain that confidence within myself, and the things that make me special, I am just a bland glass of water. Nothing will set me apart.

Well, confidence is a huge issue I have, but that stems from me not feeling adequate enough because of the things I don’t have accomplished. Granted, we Christians are supposed to be confident because we are children of God. Somehow, I’ve never quite mastered that confidence. I feel that I am possibly smart, but to say I am an intellect would be a push without a Ph.D. backing me up. Those things seem to automatically make people appear smarter than they truly are. I guess certain accomplishments would strength my confidence, but guys! I need time to get these things together… which is why I’ve decided that I refuse to date or even look around with intentions to date until I have accomplished a few of these goals.

I’ll keep you guys posted.

Carmen xoxo

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Here’s What Kills Me…

So I’m looking through my statistics today, as I do every so often, to keep track of you guys and see how many come on to read the blog and how many enjoy reading what blog and I found out that the blogs with the most hits next to my home page are the ones related to actual celebrities like Nicki Minaj, and Raheem DeVaughn. These blogs were my personal encounters with the artists that seem to get the most attention. The next highest, hottest topic is sex and the blogs related to them. Of course, as always, religion and posts where I mention God and my faith or Christianity also gets high ranking. Then the excerpts and stories seem to do pretty well and along with them, on a similar level, are the Fashionista blog entries, the artwork by the artist S. Grant and all the poetic writings about life, my daily rants and my issues.

With all this being said, I just want to give a special shout out to my readers and those whom subscribe to Carmen XueLi. I love the responses, the emails, the comments and all the support. I would continue to write, even if I knew nobody cared to read my opinions, but it makes a huge difference knowing that I have an audience that cares. I love you all and you make me a better person each day.

Live, love and keep the peace…

Carmen xoxo

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Lifting Burdens

it’s easy to have anxiety when you’re constantly worrying about your future. It’s easy to stress about what ifs and what will be, especially in this day and age. People are losing jobs, miserable with the jobs they currently have, or searching for any form of employment. People are desperately trying to find ways to provide for their families, keeping up with rent or mortgage payments, utilities, and even putting food on the table. Some people find it hard to believe that their is a God. As human beings, we always seem to forget about His goodness when we fall on hard times. Instead of remembering all the times He has provided, we remember the times when things don’t go our way, and we even God. We stop believing in Him and His promises when we don’t know how we’re going to come up with the money. We forget His grace when we fail to remember that He is the same God that made the universe and everything in it, and that He is the same God that cared enough to make springs of water and fruits and a variety of food stuff that we would have provisions to eat. If He cared enough to do all this, why do we continue to doubt His love and trust in Him and have faith that everything will work out?

I can admit to you guys that I was having bad anxiety for the past year or so. I was so overwhelmed with thoughts that haunted me day and night. Will I ever finish things I’ve started? Will I ever accomplish my goals? Who will I be? Am I pleasing God in my daily life? Will I ever fall inlove, get married and have any babies of my own? As much as I hate to admit that last one, I do think about it daily. More than I would care to. I wondered if i’d get to travel to all the places I had dreamed of going to, like Vanuata, Pompeii, and the Great Wall of China. What will happen in my future? Am I destined to die young?

That is just the tip of the iceberg! I would worry about what my funeral would be like, how devastated I would be if my Mom died before me, and if my family and I would ever function normally. Great than all these things was my fear of the unknown, and if I would become a total failure,as my father and one brother predicts. I’ve got a lot to prove, right? Well after speaking to my guardian God Mother last night, and crying (something I need to do more), I can tell you.

I don’t have to prove anything to anyone ever!!!! I have a pact between my God and myself and that is what will be at the fore front of my life.

When those evil little discouraging thoughts crawl in, trying to take over my mind and change the course of my day, I whack them with the hard blow of prayer and positive thinking.

We may not know what our future holds, but if we know God and accept Him and His love, we will remember that He holds tomorrow and in that, we can find comfort in this moment. God said to come to Him if we have burdens and He will give us rest. He is a burden lifter. We bear problems, stress and anxiety needlessly, all because we don’t bother to say “hey Lord. I want to thank You for all you’re doing, because I know things could be worse. I’m asking you to take this problem I have into your hands and fix it for me, because I know I can’t handle anything without you.”

Word of advice… love your family members while you can. Speak a soft word and give a hug and a smile. We impact others more than we care to know.

I love you guys.

Carmen xoxo

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