Category Archives: Simple

Is It Possible?

For years, I’ve wanted to tell my story and get out a piece of writing that could affect the world in some way. I’ve always found myself pondering over the thought, but never following through. I would get through the first three chapters and suddenly question what my reason was for actually deciding to write a book. So many people have written one and so many people before me have had some amazing stories. What makes mine so interesting… so worth the reading?

Maybe because it’s mine?

Here And Back Again

I know I haven’t written in a while. It’s been two months. Here is a quick update.

Mr. Secret and I. Had gotten pretty hot and heavy in early October, but I had gotten fed up that he was not trying tgo commit and I called it quits. We stopped speaking and recently, started again, but it isn’t the same. We aren’t friends like we used to be. Lesson learned. Keep legs, ears and heart closed. Sorry.

Since then, I’ve become really cold and callous. I’m actually taking medication that helps to bring up my serotonin levels in my body, because I had been suffering from depression for some time now anmd suffered silently, as I do with everything in my life. Suffering silently seems to be my cure for everything. It’s my way of coping without having people feel sorry for me.

It’s been really difficult for me, especially accepting that after all these years of pursuit, this guy didn’t want me. Everyone has been telling me these phrases or sayings that are supposed to help me feel better. It hasn’t worked yet. The swwet nothings and all the tough talks haven’t helped. The only thing that’s gotten me through has been this new medication.

Now I’m not and have never been an advocate for meds, but what I have learned is that when you are on the brink of insanity, and you’re just about to fall off the precipice, you will grab on to anything that appears hopeful. In my case, this boost of serotonin has been my saving grace, and I thank God for it. Without it, I would never be writing this blog entry. I would honestly six feet under.

Not even writing could help me…

So you guys know how I love statistics! So a recent survey done showed that 1 in 4 American women take medication for mental health or mental illness and 1 in 5 American men also take medication for mental health or mental illness.

Another recent study showed that 70% of women meet their future husbands during the daytime on a regular day. Imagine walking out of your house looking a hot mess and the husband of your dreams was at the Walmart or the coffee shop and you looked wratchet!! I’m making it my business to try to look decent everyday. It’s my only hope lol…

Carmen xoxo

Patting Myself On My Back

I cancelled on that guy. I had to! I feel so good that I called him him and turned him down. He did sound disappointed, but I had to think about myself. I’m getting to old to stand for bullshit.

He didn’t want to take me out as a friend. I shouldn’t have tried to convince myself that we would have gone out as friends. Hottmess.org. I knew what time it was.

Not interested.

Carmen xoxo

On a side note, it’s killing me that Mr. Secret isn’t speaking to me… but I’m remaining strong…

Far Away

I wish I lived far away. I need my own place. A place where I can just have peace. I hate yelling. I despise arguing. I just need a break. Where can I go?

Random Thoughts

I miss Buffalo tonight. The walks down Minnesota to Main Street just to get some Jim’s Steak Out (amazing), University Plaza for Starbucks, my old apartment, the trees, Niagara Falls, being alone…

The Funny Thing Is

If I could just give God thanks and feel content with it, I would feel so much better, but I know my praise is inadequate to His love and mercy. The relief I feel in my heart and soul right now is priceless. I asked God to give me strength and peace and He has! I’m so blessed.

The funny thing is, I thought Mr. Secret’s bi-polar ways would have broken my spirits and killed my esteem (because I assumed he was “the one”— ahhhhhhhhhhhhh!), but the power I feel inside today is the assurance that he was not the one. Somehow, I attempted justifying his actions, but I know that love doesn’t hurt. You can’t rationalize someone making you cry and lacking sympathy for your tears. You can’t justify a man yelling at you when he’s angry or cutting you off when he’s had enough of you and then picking you back up like a toy in a box. You can’t make everything alright. I can’t either. Hell, how would that look if I’m standing up encouraging all my female readers to run when we see the red flags, but then I stay in an unhealthy situation?

Carmen xoxo

They say women go after men like their father’s.

Done

Mr. Secret has totally played himself. I’m done. I’ve moved on and this time, I’m not looking back. He’s crazy. He pretty much told me to leave him alone after everything he told me about how he’s feeling about me. He can’t handle the fact that he’s in love with me and hasn’t gotten caught up like that in a very long time. He probably hasn’t been in love for years, seeing as he’s this big time player anyway. I will NOT go back to him. That’s a done deal. Sorry to all of you that wanted to see us together, but honestly, I’m not sorry… not even for him. His damn loss! Never gonna happen! I’m tired of the bullshit and the pain. He’s bi-freakin-polar and I can’t do this anymore. It’s unhealthy and I don’t deserve to be mistreated this way. I know my worth.

Carmen xoxo

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