Category Archives: Searching For Something Profound To Say

The Awkward Moment

Have you ever experienced an awkward moment that you’re stuck in? Right now, as I type, Mr. R.A. is sitting behind me on his MAC Pro laptop, dressed to the T, as he usually is, and totally ignoring my presence. It’s so odd that we had a very intimate experience not even a week ago, and how calm, cool, collected, and without care he remains. It’s sad because I wanted to believe that he was a good person, with good intentions as I always say, and yet, he isn’t. Not a shock there, though I do believe that I must be waiting to be shocked by a man who will actually be that guy for me. I believe I waiting to have my socks knocked off and to be swept away by Alladin’s magic carpet, by a man who is actually interested in me and genuinely cares for me. No man here.

I’m concentrating on school, nevertheless, because I don’t even have the option to fail. I don’t have the option to be a failure, even though each and every single day I feel like I am just existing. I take my anti-depressant meds and I bite the bullet. I bite the bullet because if I don’t, my only other option is to check myself into a mental health clinic and get strapped down in a straight jacket and take pills and become a zombie (then run away, escaping my prison, and become a homeless woman who eats out of a garbage can and suffers from withdrawal symptoms from my medication). I would have given up on my life totally, and at this point in my life, I still have a bit of hope, and I still love God just enough to want to at least try to fulfill my purpose that I know He has set out for me to accomplish. At least if I try, He can’t send me to hell based on what I have not done, right?

Eh?

Ugh. Right now, some skinny binny has him in deep conversation and he’s giving her all of his attention. How do I continue to wind up in these situations where i meet these men that have absolutely, positively no interest in loving me the way I believe I deserve to be loved. Everyone has their opinion on how I need to work on loving myself more first, and how I need to worry getting my life in order and changing the way I look at being loved. Some even say that I want the kind of love that my father did not give me, and that no man is capable of doing this for me. I can actually agree with all these things, but in the end, I believe that love conquers all, and that when you want to love someone, nothing can stop you. Love is the strongest of things. It is the best of everything. It is the alpha and the omega. God is love. If God is love and love is everything, and we are love and love is everlasting, then why can’t love overcome all. Why can’t love heal my broken wounds? It will. It can. I believe this. I know this. I believe someone is out there to heal my wounds. God has created that person for me and when that person is revealed to me, it will be a glorious day.

Carmen xoxo

Heavy Heart

Lord,

It’s me again. I am coming to You with a very heavy heart. I’m overwhelmed and tired of it all. I’m lonely, even though I know You walk with me each day. I feel like no one else understands! I feel like I’m being punished for my mistakes. Are these the consequences I bear for living against Your will?

Lord, I’m hurt. Jesus, it’s not like I haven’t tried to behave. I guess it’s more than trying though… I guess I have to live by my words. It’s not enough to say it, but to live it. I know.

I’m sure You’re gonna say “told ya so”, but I’m hurt because I didn’t think this time, things would end up like this. I assumed Mr. Secret really had good intentions. I assumed that he was the one. He had many qualities that exemplified “the one”, but he wasn’t. I know love isn’t supposed to hurt. I know I shouldn’t have to cry myself to sleep because he didn’t call me, or because he yelled at me and ignored my calls. I know I shouldn’t feel down everyday because of the constant reminder that I am sharing him with many other women. I can’t bear the thought of them having the most intimate parts of what I. All the lies and deceit… I shouldn’t have to be burdened with the thought.

This is my promise, before You and the world (or at least, cyber space): from this day forward, I won’t look back. If Mr. Secret is to be with me, he will make himself worthy. He will show and prove himself as “the one”, and I will not need to debate within the constraints of my mind whether or not I am caught amidst a reverie that appears to be real. I WILL, without a shadow of a doubt, know. If he isn’t, please give me the patience and courage to make it through the days. Wein me off of his strong hold and guide my feet.

I won’t take one step without You.

Send “the one” in Your time, but please, allow us to build a friendship first. I can’t handle another heartbreak. I will continue to serve You.

I trust You.

Carmen xoxo

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Far Away

I wish I lived far away. I need my own place. A place where I can just have peace. I hate yelling. I despise arguing. I just need a break. Where can I go?

What You Like?

I want a big ass. I want a bigger ass. I want an ass like Nicki Minaj. I want firmer breasts. I wasn’t supposed to have droopy boobs. I am supposed to have nails like Beyonce and hair like Rihanna. I am supposed to have the body of a goddess, with protruding, plump nipples and wide eyes that are shaped like almonds. Mary J. Blige has amazing eyes. She doesn’t even need eye liner. I need clothes like Lil Kim and a personality like Jennifer Hudson… something with lots of spunk and attitude. I want to be perfect.

I want to be accepted by men… by women… by God…

/
Flip side
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God made me perfect. He made me in His image. I have big breasts… 38DD, and though they no longer stand at total attention, they are so beautiful. They will feed my hungry child someday.
I have kinky hair, and my locks look a mess most days, but I love that funky look. I think it represents me a lot…. funky and all, ya know?
I have big feet. They hurt when I wear shoes with 4 or 5 inch heels. They can’t stand the pressure of my weight.
I am a thick girl and I love every single dimple, every single curve and twist and turn that make up my body. My small ass keeps me gounded and my tummy reminds me that I am hungry… and I love food!
This tummy will hold my child, and allow it to grow and gain strength, and exist. People will rub this tummy as the I continue the circle of life. I am a woman.

I am not a superwoman. I was created in His image to bear fruit in due season. I was made perfect in his sight. I am perfectly and wonderfully and fearfully made. No other artist or doctor can mold a better me. I love myself.

I accept myself for who I am, because God makes no mistakes.

Carmen xoxo

“I Thought…

…that you’d be outta my mind…”
-Painted on My Heart by The Cult.

Unfortunately, Mr. Secret is never on my mind until someone asks me about him, or until I am forced to see his face. I usually like for any guy I develop feelings for to just disappear, but unfortunately, he was someone I should have never dealt with. Our spheres are way too entertwined, but I didn’t see things clearly. I didn’t think things through. Now I’m left with a very uncomfortable feeling everytime he steps into my world. I didn’t run away from him, but I needed some time to kinda get my head together. I didn’t want to become one of those crazy, vendictive women that seek revenge. God said vengence was His, so I leave whatever needs to transpire between Mr. Secret and God. Who knows? Maybe he may ask God for forgiveness, and God may just clean his slate.

I have moved on. I haven’t started seeing anyone else yet because I need to heal. I need time to clear my thoughts, breathe, spend time with myself, enjoy life without worrying about my crazy Mr.’s, and just live. I think the thought of who or what kinda Mr. Would enter my life was always such a catastrophic consuming thought. Why should I wonder who was next and play this sick, twisted game where I always wind up hurt because the Mr. is never THE ONE. Mr. Secret was a lesson, not a mistake. He was a reminder that unless I take my head out the sand, I will continue to see only what I want to see because I’m too afraid of what God has in store for me. I had decided to give it all together, and man is God amazing! I haven’t thought about Mr. Secret, I no longer cry, miss our friendship (not the benefits part… never missed that), I no longer have a desire for him, or to be loved by him. I’m so content with myself right now, and I would really love to get to know me a bit better. I think I deserve it. Don’t you think it’s about time we know more about ourselves?

Carmen xoxo

… oh yeah… I was so totally his loss and a bad toss, but as Beyonce said “you turned out to be the best thing I NEVER had…”

You Changed

I realize that a lot of women change when they get a man, especially when they’ve been waiting for a while. They use people to kill time and when a man comes along, EVERYTHING changes. The same person that may have wanted to hang out with her friends almost every day of the week gets totally absorbed in this new man, and spends all her time with him. That’s so obsessed and it makes us, as a gender, look so desperate! When will we ever learn??

Most of us already revolve most of our lives around men. I’ve been guilty of waiting for a man to come along to start doing things I’ve always wanted to do. It’s kind of sad. I had to wake myself up from that dream. There was no logical reason for me to wait on a guy to come along to start traveling, or doing fun things like rock climbing.

I had it all twisted. I had some notion that life really begins when a man comes into it, but I was sooooooooooo wrong. I’m slightly embarrassed to admit it to you guys. For the past few years, I’ve been thinking differently. I’ve gone on road trips with my girls, traveled to diferent states by myself, and even done the unthinkable….. (drum roll please)………………………………… I’ve gone to the movies BY MYSELF. I sat there and ate my nachos and watched my movies and sipped on my frozen icee drink and didn’t give a damn about the couple to the left or the right of me!

We as women need to be much more empowered. We need to be more gun- ho about enjoying each and every day that we’ve been blessed with, and not wait for a man to come make our lives perfect, or obsessively drown our entire lives in a man. It’s so annoying to be around a woman that is all about her man and doesn’t know how to have fun without him. Do you guys know a girl like that? Annoying! Then when they break up, she’s more distraught over how she will survive without him, and you’re left to be the ear, shoulder, snot and tear holder! Trust me, I’ve been on both ends and it ain’t pretty either way. Ladies, let’s just begin living. Let’s begin living without expectations, knowing that God will provide. Let’s stop accepting being side pieces, jump- offs, or the other woman. Being a mistress is really not a compliment. It’s become so accepted, but it’s really sad and everyone suffers. Men are partially dogs because we allow them to be. Maybe if more of us say “you need to marry me to get all of this”, we would know the real from the fake. In some rare cases, a man can be married to several women, but that’s not big in the U.S. — unless you’re apart of a polygamist family. We give so much of ourselves for free (yes I’m having an epiphany) and we expect so much in return but we don’t get it and wonder why, after we’ve been so loyal, so caring, such a good woman!

It’s simple. Live and in living, all that your heart desires will come to you. Just live.

Carmen xoxo

Moody

Can you guys tell that I haven’t been in the mood? I’ve decided to become a non-practicing lesbian until I can pull the pieces together. Over the weekend, I made it my business to concentrate on my list of 20 requirements and qualifications for my future husband. Yeah… yeah… yeah… Think what you want, but you know what?! (Finger wagging action going on at this point… just imagine me waggaing my finger at you, squinting one eye REALLY hard). I think the problem with most of us women is that we settle for every and any little thang that comes by! You know I’m right! We are more concerned with just snagging a man, that we push and push and get left with nothing special. If you have to push, do you really think it’s worth it? Shouldn’t a person want to be with you because you’re just that awesome? Do you know how awesome you are? Maybe that’s the problem. I can relate…

Over the weekend, I’ve been allowing myself to listen to others. Normally, I don’t take relationship or “single lady advice” from people. I’ve found that these days, anything goes, and people want you to believe what they believe simply because they believe it, without facts or reason, but two things from two different people stuck out to me and I have heeded to the calling. The first thing I heard was from a friend that went to a women’s church retreat. An older, married woman had a little talk with my friend, and my friend’s friends. Friend’s friends… yeah that makes sense lol.

Out of everything my friend told me, the biggest thing that hit me was when she said this woman told her that women are not specific enough. Not specific enough? Is this woman insane? Does she not see that there are only like 15 guys left on earth that I would possibly be attracted to, and out of that 15, half are gay and proud, half of that half are convicts in prison, and almost all the rest are cheaters? Then maybe the two left behind that are great are taken, or total bores?! How can I be specific? Weeeeeeeeeellllllllllll, here’s the kicker! She said the woman said be specific and also HAVE FAITH! Oh yeah! Faith like a mustard seed! Prove God, right? I mean, He is God, isn’t He?

Well the other thing that struck a chord was a guy friend that said to me, “well Carmen, you’ve got this great list with all these things you want in a man, like abs and great skin, but what do you have to offer?” I stuttered for a minute and blurted out “LOVE”!, like it wasn’t an obvious answer. Duh? “Not good enough”, he said. Wtf? I thought I would slap him. My love is good enough! I whined in my head “why not”??? Then he went on to say that I have to recognize something about myself that would draw any man in, and then hone in on my confidence, because that’s what will set me apart. Finally, we came to the conclusion that the writer in me, and the artsy fartsy, singing, creative gal that I am are these traits I have that set me apart. All my creative juices make me special! I NEVER EVER thought about that. I was trying to persuade him with talks about how I’m domesticated and clean (HAAAAAAA!) And he wasn’t interested. He kept saying “not good enough”. I wanted to slap him, but I finally got the jist of what he was saying. Every man is different. Some men are attracted to certain things, and if I never gain that confidence within myself, and the things that make me special, I am just a bland glass of water. Nothing will set me apart.

Well, confidence is a huge issue I have, but that stems from me not feeling adequate enough because of the things I don’t have accomplished. Granted, we Christians are supposed to be confident because we are children of God. Somehow, I’ve never quite mastered that confidence. I feel that I am possibly smart, but to say I am an intellect would be a push without a Ph.D. backing me up. Those things seem to automatically make people appear smarter than they truly are. I guess certain accomplishments would strength my confidence, but guys! I need time to get these things together… which is why I’ve decided that I refuse to date or even look around with intentions to date until I have accomplished a few of these goals.

I’ll keep you guys posted.

Carmen xoxo

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