Category Archives: Reverie Into Reality

Is It Possible?

For years, I’ve wanted to tell my story and get out a piece of writing that could affect the world in some way. I’ve always found myself pondering over the thought, but never following through. I would get through the first three chapters and suddenly question what my reason was for actually deciding to write a book. So many people have written one and so many people before me have had some amazing stories. What makes mine so interesting… so worth the reading?

Maybe because it’s mine?

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The Awkward Moment

Have you ever experienced an awkward moment that you’re stuck in? Right now, as I type, Mr. R.A. is sitting behind me on his MAC Pro laptop, dressed to the T, as he usually is, and totally ignoring my presence. It’s so odd that we had a very intimate experience not even a week ago, and how calm, cool, collected, and without care he remains. It’s sad because I wanted to believe that he was a good person, with good intentions as I always say, and yet, he isn’t. Not a shock there, though I do believe that I must be waiting to be shocked by a man who will actually be that guy for me. I believe I waiting to have my socks knocked off and to be swept away by Alladin’s magic carpet, by a man who is actually interested in me and genuinely cares for me. No man here.

I’m concentrating on school, nevertheless, because I don’t even have the option to fail. I don’t have the option to be a failure, even though each and every single day I feel like I am just existing. I take my anti-depressant meds and I bite the bullet. I bite the bullet because if I don’t, my only other option is to check myself into a mental health clinic and get strapped down in a straight jacket and take pills and become a zombie (then run away, escaping my prison, and become a homeless woman who eats out of a garbage can and suffers from withdrawal symptoms from my medication). I would have given up on my life totally, and at this point in my life, I still have a bit of hope, and I still love God just enough to want to at least try to fulfill my purpose that I know He has set out for me to accomplish. At least if I try, He can’t send me to hell based on what I have not done, right?

Eh?

Ugh. Right now, some skinny binny has him in deep conversation and he’s giving her all of his attention. How do I continue to wind up in these situations where i meet these men that have absolutely, positively no interest in loving me the way I believe I deserve to be loved. Everyone has their opinion on how I need to work on loving myself more first, and how I need to worry getting my life in order and changing the way I look at being loved. Some even say that I want the kind of love that my father did not give me, and that no man is capable of doing this for me. I can actually agree with all these things, but in the end, I believe that love conquers all, and that when you want to love someone, nothing can stop you. Love is the strongest of things. It is the best of everything. It is the alpha and the omega. God is love. If God is love and love is everything, and we are love and love is everlasting, then why can’t love overcome all. Why can’t love heal my broken wounds? It will. It can. I believe this. I know this. I believe someone is out there to heal my wounds. God has created that person for me and when that person is revealed to me, it will be a glorious day.

Carmen xoxo

The Dream- Chaper 1

I couldn’t imagine that he would admit, after all these years, that I was the one he had loved all this time. I never thought I even mattered much to him.

I was getting in the car when I heard him behind me. I didn’t recognize his voice. All I could remember was the sensation in my scalp as my hair was being pulled, tugged on gently. It felt so sexual to me. He called me a dread and I turned to see who would bear the brunt of my blow. My fist was balled up in a reflex to strike the culprit, when I saw his face. The familiar face that melted my entire being drew close and he hugged me. I made sure to press my breast against his chest. I wanted my nipples to press into his skin. I wanted him to feel me.

I hadn’t seen him in such a long time. It almost became like an annual occurance, if I was even that lucky. We played catch up for a few minutes and then before he left, we exchanged numbers. A few days later, we began texting, but it hardly felt like anything special. A little text, initiated by me, maybe exery other day. A short response from him. After 2 weeks of trying to keep up, I decided that it was time to let go. I stopped texting him, hoping that he would miss the communication. It never happened. I decided to let him go entirely and get over my 15 year unrequited love affair. Daniel was just not that into who I was.

I moved a few months later to Connecticut for a masters program I had been itching to take. 2 years after that, there was some family business that needed taking care of, so I headed back home, taking a weekend drive. Upon visiting my parents, I went to my old home church. I couldn’t help but notice this handsome guy, sitting beside a beautiful woman. As I looked more and more it dawned on me that it was Daniel. He had cut his hair down into a Caesar, which really gave him a more sophistacated look. As if by fate, our eyes kept meeting up. I would try not to smile, but I couldn’t help it. He would smirk too. We were like two kids in a candy store. He seemed so giddy. The woman next to him peeked over his shoulder and caught me, mid- smirk. She wasn’t smiling. As a matter of fact, if looks could kill, I would have been six feet under. I could tell she was his girlfriend. She seemed like that ride or die kind of chick. Her features led me to believe that she was black and hispanic mixed. I knew she would have something to say to me if he and I hugged or said hi.

I waited until the service was over. I was expecting some sort of acknowledgement. I got up and went outside the church. It was a gorgeous summer day. He seemed to be in a rush to leave, but a church sister that hadn’t seen him in years had him cornered. I walked over to them and gave Sister Horne a hug. She began talking to me and he motioned a “thank you” as he tried to take his girlfriend’s hand and walk away. I thought it was strange behavior, but with his woman standing right there, I didn’t want to be disrespectful. I glanced over and noticed the two of them appearing to be in some sort of bicker match. Finally, they made their way back over to me. “Christina, this is my friend of many years Tara. Tara, this is my wife Christina”.

Wife? Wife! I thought I would pass out. Why didn’t he tell me he was getting married married?
“Nice to meet you Christina”, I mustered up the courage to say. I could feel my heart breaking slowly, and I knew she could see the blood just oozing. She seemed relieved and tickled.
“I just thought it was strange that my husband didn’t tell me about this friend grew had for many years, you know? But I’m glad we met and you know me now.” I smiled and they walked away. Her thick Brooklyn accent was no surprise to me. He turned back to mouth “sorry”. I was in the dark.

My number had changed since he and I used to text, but I was do tempted to text him and ask him all the questions running through my head. I honestly assumed he and I were cooler than that. That night, I had to take a jog on the boardwalk. My parents had a house about two blocks from the beach, and somehow, the beach always became my safe haven. The boardwalk was where I’d put foot to the pavement if I were stressed our confused, but if I ever needed clarity, or answers from the stars, I would walk straight into the sand. On rare occasions, and walk until the ocean and talk to God, but the ocean was always powerful to me. It could reveal things I did not want to know, our were too much for me to handle. That night in particular though, I wanted to put foot to pavement and just shake Daniel off.

It had been tormenting me for years; his smile, his touch, the way he spoke and how I felt about him. I was clearly living in a fantasy works and what I saw was not true. I had this reoccurring reverie that would haunt me. Daniel as my friends, then as my boyfriends, then fiance, and finally, my husband. I wanted to conquer him and know that I wad worth a guy like him. Didn’t he see this?

As I stretched, I looked up and noticed the moon. It was so bright and the curve reminded me of the tales like Mother Goose and the cow jumping over the moon. I remembered a guy I slept with that I regretted immensely and began an intense run.

Shake it off.

I didn’t even realize where I had been standing when I stopped to catch my breath. I was running back after jogging about thirty blocks and stopped to recuperate when I saw Daniel sitting at a bench, looking at the ocean. I didn’t want him to notice me, so I started jogging quickly, back in the direction I had just come from. I figured if I gave it some time, he would be gone. about ten blocks from where he say, I did some stretching and a few sit ups.
“Hey Tara. I thought that was you”, I heard, and as I say up, I saw Daniel walking towards me.
“Hey”? I didn’t want to really speak to him. He was the reason I was there attempting to clear my head in the first place!

I got up and started heading home. “Have a good night”, I said as I walked away. He grabbed my hand. “Wait, please”. I turned around, pulling my hand away and said “whats up”?.
“I’m sorry about today. I didn’t…”
“honestly, it’s cool. Take care”. I started walking away. I figured he would just let it go. It was so awkward.

“It’s not cool…” He started saying something but I plugged my headphones in and started jogging. Suddenly, I felt someone grabbing my arm. I turned to hit Daniel or push him off. This time, it wasn’t Daniel. The strength of this guy had me over powered. He threw me up against the railing and began trying to take off my jogging tights. He started rubbing his hands all over me and I could feel his dick hard as a rock pressed up between my add, poking me. He had my mouth covered, but I managed to bite down into a finger and as he pulled away, yelling obscenities at me, I managed to scream help. I was trying to fight him off when I yelled out again, only this time, I didn’t say help. “Daniel!!!!!!” I shrieked. I was losing strength. The attacker was just about to get his hands inside my pants when before I knew out, he was on the floor, getting punched in the face til he was unconscious. I collapsed on the floor and blacked out.

Fire.

I woke up in the hospital. I turned to the left and there was Daniel, sitting in the chair beside the bed. “Daniel?”. For some reason, I felt like I whispered his name. He walked over to me and said ” I wasn’t going to let him hurt you. I’m just glad you’re awake. Let me call a nurse real quick.”
“Wait.” I wanted to say so much but I felt myself losing strength again. Everything started being black again. “Tara!” I heard him saying my name but I couldn’t hold on.

“Apparently her attacker hit her in her head. It’s been an ongoing thing we’ve been seeing in the victims that made it here or to the morgue. If the women fought back, he would punch them, knock them with his gun or inject them with a poison. She was fortunate to suffer a minor concussion. We just want to monitor her for another day or so to make sure everything is ok Mr. Brandt. It’s just great to know that she is last person he will ever hurt.”
I could faintly hear Daniel’s voice, but it was getting stronger. “I’m just glad she’s coming along and that hes behind bars.”
“There will certainly be some press behind this. You might want to start thinking about an attorney.” The voice was feminine, but strong.
The voices grew faint and I heard a door close. I heard foot steps and tried opening my eyes. I turned my head to the sounds. “Can you hear me Tara?”

I opened my eyes. It felt like such a difficult task, but just hearing Daniel’s voice made me want to see his face. There was a light piercing through, and then, the familiar face. I tried to smile, but then, out hit me. The pounding of my head caused years to spontaneously stream from my eyes. “Thank you” was all I could say, but Daniel placed his hand on my lips, and whispered “everything wil be ok. I’m not leaving.” I felt him wipe the tears away and ask me of I was in pain.

In And Out

I started talking to a guy about 3 weeks ago. That’s how long it actually lasted. Thursday would have made it one month. Sadly enough, I am convinced I am meant to be single forever… or at least, until I get my head together.

This guy, who we’ll call Mr. Actor, unfortunately didn’t keep the momentum going. He realy had me when I learned he quit his job, sold his house, called off wedding plans with his fiance, and moved to New York to pursue his dreams of being an actor. Not only did he talk the talk, but man could he walk the walk. With an agent, an apartment in Park Slope, Brooklyn, and the tenacity of an ant, this guy knew the meaning of selling himself and hustling. He worked hard, but played even harder.

After dating for a short time, we slept together. It was only once, but he was great, despite not being able to last and having a flacid dick. I mean guys, I waited and waited for him to get hard again, but he just couldn’t. I also assume it was his marijuana habit that had some effect on his limp Asian noodle. Eh?

Did I cry?

Well this morning, after not having a full conversation with him in about a week, and attempting to make plans he could never go through with, I sent him an email asking him to just let me know if he was still interested. After a few more hours of pondering on that email, he definitely didn’t respond, so I set a cover up email so that I didn’t feel bad for putting myself out there. In the second email, I just told him to ignore the first and that I wish him all the best in his career. He didn’t call or respond to that one either. I called him and of course, it wet to voicemail. I left one of those confused messages where I stuttered a bit and hung up.

I feel like I’m fighting the forces of nature. I feel like the strangest thing keeps happening to me. It’s like I’m in the twilight zone and I’m constantly meeting these great guys, and then suddenly, the power goes out, or they just get weird and I’m left walking back to the starrting point, picking up the pieces of my broken heart. It is really sad. When is eough enough? When will God be enough for me? It has to stop with me in the labyrinth, going nowhere. It is so tiring at this point.

I have to tell youv guys about Mr. Ssecret (gasp) calling me the other day to tell me how much he missed me and how that went from 100 to -35 in a few days. That’s for tomorrow.

Oh yeah and guys…. I love you. Thanks for reading.

Carmen xoxo

For The One Millionth Time

I ended things with Mr. Secret last night and oddly enough, though I assumed I would have been completely and utterly destroyed, I’m ok. I’m sad. I’m down. I’m angry. I’m all these things but I know one things for certain. I WILL SURVIVE. Mr. Secret can’t break me! He isn’t my last chance at happiness. He isn’t my all in all. He didn’t give me life and he definitely cannot take it away. I will survive.

So last night, he picked me up from my new job. He was waiting there for me in the parking lot, on time. He looked so good and he smelled amazing. He asked me what I was doing. I told him I didn’t have to go home immediately. We went back to his place of course. He seemed upset and I should have taken a cue from the way he spoke about his kid’s mom. They were arguing and he was extremely pissed off. He dropped me in front of the house and he handed me the key, and then sped off to find a park. Nothing felt right, but it was too late. I went in the restroom to freshen up. I came out and he was under the sheets. He had porn on and I recall standing at the foot of the bed, looking at him like really? He quickly sensed my vibe and instead, put on a football game, which made me feel like wth? I didn’t know which one was worse, but I was starting to believe that the porn was better. He eventually got my vibe and shut everything off… everything but his phone.

Foreplay seemed twenty moinutes too short but he had already complained that he was not feeling well. He went straight for the gold about 5 minutes into munching the box and I was astonished, and in pain. I knew I was allergic to latex when I lost my virginity to my ex just a few recent years ago. We did not have lube.

Let’s just say that I was in pain.

Midway, into us doing the do, his phone goes off. He stops and responds to a text. I immediately asked him if he was serious and he said his kid’s mom was still texting him. I had lost all respect for him at that moment because he seemed to have lost all respect for me. Then it hit me…

I was making myself his jump-off.

I ended things shortly after this and got ready. He asked me if I was sure I was ready to go and I kept affirming my wishes to leave with a solid yes. He eventually got dressed and took me home. On the way home, he continued to talk about the messed up things his kid’s mom was doing. I listened and spoke as I normally would while the pain from my coota throbbed away and intensified. I was truly sad, but I couldn’t allow him to see that. I smiled and said thanks and ran up the stairs. He waited until I got inside. I knew that I was done.

In the morning, I told him I had a reaction. He said he was sorry. About an hour later, I sent an mms message that looked like a book. It basicallyu broke down my feelings. I wanted him to know why I was stepping away.

I’m at the point now where it’s going to drive me insane if I continue to mess with him. Last night, we didn’t kiss and ask me if he held me or hugged me. Did he hold you Carmen? Did Mr. Secret kiss you? Did Mr. Secret tell you he missed you? No. No. No.

I cant do it anymore. I’m literally sick and tired of being sick and tired.

Carmen xoxo

WTH Man!

So I’m attempting to open up my sms message app to text this guy I refuse to call a “Mr.” And it opens my Holy Bible app and then, my WordPress app, so here I am, writing… which feels so good anyway. So I have a 3 pm date with this guy I’ve known since elementary school but guess what? I don’t know his ass. For all I know, God forbid, he could be a molester or a killer. I’m not feeling him. I don’t like the sound of his voice, and here I am trying not to be mean, but as soon a s I finish this blog entry, I’m calling him and telling him that something came up. I’m a busy woman and I don’t owe him anything! He’s the one that’s pursuing me.

Maybe in another place, another time, possibly if I hadn’t dealt with Mr. Secret, I wouldn’t be so damaged. I keep flashing back to his body over me, kissing me, tell me that he missed me. I keep flashing back to his eyes staring intently, deeply into mine and realizing that we were not just having sex anymore. I hadn’t felt that way about someone in a long time… not since my first (my ex).

Maybe it’s because I’m young, naïve and foolish, but I’ve got to draw the line somewhere. I’m am not allowing myself to be drawn in just because the person is interested in me. I’m tired of the bs. PLUS get this… when this guy called me yesterday to ask if I would rather do the movies, I asked how we would get there and he said “the way normal people get around… transportation. Van, bus… train”. I was immediately turned off. I’m sorry but I can’t. I can’t do this to myself and I can’t sacrifice my precious time for someone that I’m not interested in.

I have an older girlfriend (she’s 49) that claims I should just go and enjoy the date with this guy as a friend. Ugh. Idk about all that guys. My heart is conflicted but I’m leaning towards not going. I’m just feeling bad that I am only 2 hours away from our date time and I’m cancelling. He may have been getting ready and everything. Damn. I’m a bitch.

Carmen xoxo

Have I Told You Lately… That I Don’t Love You?

Today, I spent a good portion of my day working on some very important things, and writing. Somehow, my mobile phone began acting crazy. I decided to just clear some things off. I have been using an application that held all of my selected sms messages and I decided to go through them. In them, month by month, sometimes day by day, I saw that Mr. Secret and I had many conversations. I started reading between the lines.

It’s easier for men these days to stay single, longer. They have vaj-jay jay’s thrown at them everyday. It takes a man of courage and strength not to cheat on his wife, girlfriend or fiance. It’s sad that we women have become accustomed to the stories or even being cheated on, but it’s our reality. I’m at the point where I am really really tired of hearing about men that cheat. I would love to hear about men that remain faithful to one woman. I’m asking for a lot, huh?

I mention that because he’s getting booty thrown at him on a constant basis and he is in no condition to turn anything down. He’s very happy with all the sex he can have and even though I know he has strong feelings, sex is his number one priority right now… not a relationship. Not me.

Anyway, after reading the messages, I felt sorry for myself in the past. Poor soul. I allowed him to mistreat me, speak to me in a derogatory fashion, and I just couldn’t get it. I kept trying to show him how great I was, and that I was capable of being the woman for him, but he wasn’t the man for me! He was clearly trying to tell me and show me that he cared a whole lot for me, but that he was only into the sex and friendship. I guess I misinterpreted the moments we shared and assumed that maybe he was feeling me more than I had originally thought. I know myself. I’m not the type of woman to chase anything, but if someone that I am interested in shows me they are interested, I’m ready to explore things. The only problems with that was that he played on my emotions, and I believed him when he filled my head with hot air. I also assumed our friendship was strong enough, but I should have never let him conquer me. It was all down hill after that.

We no longer have a friendship. (Insert sad face here). I learned a few big lessons though.

1. KEEP YOUR LEGS CLOSED. SAVE OPEN SEASON FOR YOUR COOCHARA WHEN YOU CELEBRATE YOUR HONEYMOON.
2. YOU WILL NOT DIE WITHOUT SEX.
3. IT IS BEST TO HOLD ON TO A GOOD FRIENDSHIP, RATHER THAN SACRIFICE IT FOR INTIMICY.
4. IT FEELS AMAZING IN THE MOMENT, BUT THE TEARS ON YOUR PILLOW WILL ACCOUNT FOR THE PAIN THAT’S INEVITABLE FROM PROMISCUITY.
5.A MAN’S AGE DOES NOT DETERMINE HIS ABILITY TO LOVE, SETTLE DOWN OR EVEN BECOME A MATURE INDIVIDUAL. AGE HAS ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO DO WITH MATURITY OR HOW A PERSOM CAN LOVE YOU.
6.YOU ONLY TAKE WHAT YOU THINK YOU DESERVE.

I deserve the best.

I learned so much more, but for the most part, these are the lessons that stick out the most. I’m telling myself I’m over him to ensure that I do move forward. I guess losing the friendship is the most difficult part. No more dinners, hanging out, and doing all the things we did together. I will get over this though. I was able to get over all my other Mr.’s so I’m sure I will heal. I want to stop thinking about him though. I want to feel the same way he feels about me. He functions just fine without speaking to me, so so much for “missing” me as he claimed. All the apologies and the hugs and kisses and talks where he wanted to fix things between us were a total lie, but now I know that a man will say anything to get what he wants. Now that I know this, I’m like a bitch. I have no time for game players, and I feel like I can smell bullshit a mile away. I’m better at this than I ever thought I would be. I never thought I would play the game.

The biggest lesson I’ve learned comes from a naive thought I walked around with. I always said “men can play the game, but I’m not playing so therefore, it doesn’t affect me”. WRONG! Whether you want to or not, you’ve got no choice but to play. There is NO side bench and like dodgeball, if you don’t pay attention to the game, you wind up walking out bruised. I’m going to study the play and watch and wait. Mr. Secret may have broken my heart, but hopefully, this is the last story of unrequited love.

Carmen xoxo

I hate men right now. Leave me alone… grrrrrrr….