Dying

I’ve entertained the idea of dying for many years. Only now I find myself opening up about it to my therapist. She will ask me at each session if I  have had thoughts to end my life that week and I will say yes or no accordingly and during the week she will have a doctor call to make sure I’m still alive I guess. I am so sadistic that I may even smile when I say “yes… I’ve given it thought this week”. I’m one twisted chick.

I’m learning to control my thoughts and to smile when I’m broken inside. She said I’m full of pain. I know I am. She said she’s proud of me for even being in school. I don’t believe her. She says she thinks I’ve had a very difficult life and it’s amazing the way I push through. Blah blah blah… I secretly live to go to her just to see the way she fights back tears when I cry. I just want to be loved. Anyone. Hear me?

Because God doesn’t listen to me anymore…

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