The Awkward Moment

Have you ever experienced an awkward moment that you’re stuck in? Right now, as I type, Mr. R.A. is sitting behind me on his MAC Pro laptop, dressed to the T, as he usually is, and totally ignoring my presence. It’s so odd that we had a very intimate experience not even a week ago, and how calm, cool, collected, and without care he remains. It’s sad because I wanted to believe that he was a good person, with good intentions as I always say, and yet, he isn’t. Not a shock there, though I do believe that I must be waiting to be shocked by a man who will actually be that guy for me. I believe I waiting to have my socks knocked off and to be swept away by Alladin’s magic carpet, by a man who is actually interested in me and genuinely cares for me. No man here.

I’m concentrating on school, nevertheless, because I don’t even have the option to fail. I don’t have the option to be a failure, even though each and every single day I feel like I am just existing. I take my anti-depressant meds and I bite the bullet. I bite the bullet because if I don’t, my only other option is to check myself into a mental health clinic and get strapped down in a straight jacket and take pills and become a zombie (then run away, escaping my prison, and become a homeless woman who eats out of a garbage can and suffers from withdrawal symptoms from my medication). I would have given up on my life totally, and at this point in my life, I still have a bit of hope, and I still love God just enough to want to at least try to fulfill my purpose that I know He has set out for me to accomplish. At least if I try, He can’t send me to hell based on what I have not done, right?


Ugh. Right now, some skinny binny has him in deep conversation and he’s giving her all of his attention. How do I continue to wind up in these situations where i meet these men that have absolutely, positively no interest in loving me the way I believe I deserve to be loved. Everyone has their opinion on how I need to work on loving myself more first, and how I need to worry getting my life in order and changing the way I look at being loved. Some even say that I want the kind of love that my father did not give me, and that no man is capable of doing this for me. I can actually agree with all these things, but in the end, I believe that love conquers all, and that when you want to love someone, nothing can stop you. Love is the strongest of things. It is the best of everything. It is the alpha and the omega. God is love. If God is love and love is everything, and we are love and love is everlasting, then why can’t love overcome all. Why can’t love heal my broken wounds? It will. It can. I believe this. I know this. I believe someone is out there to heal my wounds. God has created that person for me and when that person is revealed to me, it will be a glorious day.

Carmen xoxo


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