I Did A Bad Thing

So I’m back in college and really enjoying it this time around because I feel as if I am finally living my dreams. It’s actually surreal. To think that less than two years ago, if I stepped out into moving traffic and was actually hit by oncoming traffic and killed, I wouldn’t have cared! I love my life right now and I’m shocked that I’m even in this space in time. Am I really experiencing this, or is it a facade?

I’ve even had a close cousin help me out by wiring me money, which was more than a tear jerker. I spent most of the night up, talking to God, asking Him questions that wouldn’t get answered the way I wanted them to be. I cried like a baby. What is my true purpose. Eat, shit, sleep… get sick occasionally… throw up maybe… cry? WHY?

So yesterday was my birthday. For much of the day, I didn’t pay attention to my phone or all the wonderful birthday wishes. I’ve kinda been programmed not to care about birthdays. My father seems to hate every holiday known to man, so we never did the gift thing. My brothers never wish me a happy birthday. It’s just a regular day you know? Plus I had no money (I have exactly $1.25 in my checking account, and somehow, I am surviving… in an uncanny way) so I just the best out of the day. My roommates surprised me with a cake and invited a few people over to our room. I decided to cook. I’m sure you’re wondering how it got bad? I’M GETTING THERE! Hold your horses!


Well, it all started like this- DISCLAIMER: this is not a new Mr. Story. I don’t intend on it getting that far. I’m just doing this exercise to stop the ongoing burning in my chest. It could be heartburn, but I can’t tell. My entire body keeps getting hot. Maybe I should see my private doctor if I go home? Anyway… so I made out with my R.A. last night. I know! That wasn’t supposed to happen and it wasn’t my intention, but it did and I don’t regret it, but I do wish this burning sensation in my chest would go away. He came by several times to wish me a happy birthday and somehow, and telling me in many ways and showing me in many forms that he liked me, we wound up in his room, and I, pinned against his door, held in a passionate suspension by his lips. It was unreal.

He’s three years younger than me, and still, I’m somewhat interested. He’s got all the girls in this college going crazy, and yet, I’m not shaken or moved. I could care less. Maybe because I am older and less intimidated by other women, but also it could be because I know myself a lot more today than I did a few years ago, and I’ve been hurt by all the Mr.’s and I’ve survived… surprisingly, so this is just a walk in the park.

I can’t lie though. I don’t feel eager to take this walk, this time. I’m not sure but there is a saying that when you are not looking for love it finds you. I hope this is not the case. I came here to get a few things done and leave. I came to accomplish a few things and move forward, and men were not on the list. As a matter of fact, I am still saying that I am a non-practicing lesbian. A friend of mine hit the nail directly on the head. She said I was scared. Damn right I’m scared! Here is a gorgeous guy that could have any girl he wants and yet he’s chasing me down? I keep asking why me? I guess the question is “why not me”?

Well it’s never been in my nature to receive the things I’ve really wanted or needed, so now that things have been falling into place, I’m baffled and almost concerned that they are headed my way. What? Why is this happening? What’s going on?  What the fuuuuuuck?

All the voices in our heads have something to say and the most difficult battle we face each day to dismiss the negative voices and allow the positive ones to have victory over EEEEVVVVIIIIILLLLLLLL! You have to say it that way too. It adds to it. Oh My Word! At this point, I’m ready to keel over. I am so exhausted and I have so much to do and very little time. The sleep I need somehow doesn’t come to me and lately I’ve been thinking way to much for my own good. Falling in love can only hurt the situation. Someone, please, for the Love of God, tell me to breathe??!!


Carmen xoxo

BTW I haven’t seen him or heard from him all day…



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