Press In His Presence

So Mr. Secret dogged me out in the worst way and I still haven’t gotten over the post hurt, but every single day I feel better. It isn’t easy. Some days I stol cry in writhing, teeth clenching pain, but overall, I know that he was wrong and I didn’t deserve what I got from him.

Times have been a but difficult for me. I haven’t been able to find a job, and so, my bills have been piling up. A cousin of mine was gracious enough to send me a check to help me pick up personal items. It helped so much, but of course, I still ned a job. I’m not sure whats going on, but I wonder what I’m doing wrong and if there is anything I can do differently. I pray, email, fax, call to follow up, show up, drop off resumes, and do it all again, to no avail. Am I bugging out?

So of course, all the spare time allows me to nit pick the other areas of my life I’m failing at… and I joined a popular online dating site. Can I just say I had no idea there were so many ASSHOLES around. Seriously? One guy told me I should go to his house for drinks and when I suggested a wine event, he said he would prefer the former. Then to play off the fact that he basically said he would rather I come to his house and get drunk as opposed to taking me out for drinks, I told him we should go to a spot I have in Brooklyn, to which he replied “Bronx to Brooklyn? Not happening. Lol”. ASSHOLE.

Another guy pressured me to tell him why I didn’t want to speak to speak to him. I ignored him for some time until I couldn’t take it anymore. I politely told him he was handsome, which wasn’t entirely true but eh… And I explained that he just want what I was really looking for. He took offense in the worse way lmao. That remind me, I have to block his ass when I get back home.

My living conditions have sent me over the edge and I really have no peace. I got into it with my father on Saturday and basically wound up asking him why he would even have children if he knew he want cut out to be a father? He went on to tell me that he didn’t want me and that he doesn’t want me living in his house. Thats all the motivation I need.

I an stressed. I am still consistently taking my med for depression. It seems to help. I’m not focusing all my thoughts on certain things. I’m managing to take each day as a new one, and not as a continuation of the day before.

I’m missing writing, as is it were a person. My pen and pad is the only thing that cannot fail me. Out doesn’t deny me of it’s consistency. It doesn’t stop me from expressing myself. There is freedom in my writing. Out keeps me same when everything else is falling to pieces.

I can’t lie and say all the social thoughts are gone. They come and go, but in my low moments, there is prayer, and I do have some amazing friends that want to see me rise above all of my adversities. I didn’t think out was possible, but every once in a while, I remember who I am, and I feel a bit of strength that obviously comes from God, because it isn’t mine. I own no real strength our courage, but now, my faith is growing.

It gets difficult sometimes. Out isn’t easy when the fear of the unknown seems worse than the situation you are in. it’s even worse when you allow the sinking sand to slowly pull you down because you start to believe the lies, and you can’t even tell the difference between the lies and the truth, because you’ve heard the lies for so long. That is when the fight has left you,  and you are okay with it, but somehow, you know you deserved a shot at life.

I don’t even feel like it’s a pity party. I don’t even feel like the victim anymore.

I just don’t feel.

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