What Really Sucks

I think the worst feeling in the world is when you’re already feeling down in the dumps and something comes along to further your pain. This morning, I had already felt pretty crappy because I went to bed thinking about Mr. Secret and I woke up with him on my mind as well. I hate that I cant control my mind and my heart sometimes. That’s what love will do to you.

I decided to log on to my Facebook account, only to find that a friend about three or so years younger than me was proposed to by her boyfriend. Ugh! Then on top of it, she plastered the pics up, like most people do. The ring was huge. I sound jealous, don’t I? I’m not. I’m actually really happy for her. I don’t even want to be married! I just want a potential companion to grow with and enjoy life with. Maybe that’s my problem? Maybe my thinking is all messed up and I should want to be married?

Anyway… so it got me thinking. What the hell am I doing with my life? I’m not doing anything I originally set out to accomplish. I’m not in school, I’m technically not working (not with 5 hours a week), and I’m not writing, working on my projects, or even working on my weight loss. I’m doing absolutely nothing!

I’m sinking my own self into a huge cespool of depression by not actively living my own life. I’m waiting on a huge miracle to come along and change the way I see my world, but it’s not happening. I know what I’ve got to do. I know where I need to be, but I’m so scared. Lets see where I end up ten years from now on this wavelength. SMH.

Carmen xoxo


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