For The One Millionth Time

I ended things with Mr. Secret last night and oddly enough, though I assumed I would have been completely and utterly destroyed, I’m ok. I’m sad. I’m down. I’m angry. I’m all these things but I know one things for certain. I WILL SURVIVE. Mr. Secret can’t break me! He isn’t my last chance at happiness. He isn’t my all in all. He didn’t give me life and he definitely cannot take it away. I will survive.

So last night, he picked me up from my new job. He was waiting there for me in the parking lot, on time. He looked so good and he smelled amazing. He asked me what I was doing. I told him I didn’t have to go home immediately. We went back to his place of course. He seemed upset and I should have taken a cue from the way he spoke about his kid’s mom. They were arguing and he was extremely pissed off. He dropped me in front of the house and he handed me the key, and then sped off to find a park. Nothing felt right, but it was too late. I went in the restroom to freshen up. I came out and he was under the sheets. He had porn on and I recall standing at the foot of the bed, looking at him like really? He quickly sensed my vibe and instead, put on a football game, which made me feel like wth? I didn’t know which one was worse, but I was starting to believe that the porn was better. He eventually got my vibe and shut everything off… everything but his phone.

Foreplay seemed twenty moinutes too short but he had already complained that he was not feeling well. He went straight for the gold about 5 minutes into munching the box and I was astonished, and in pain. I knew I was allergic to latex when I lost my virginity to my ex just a few recent years ago. We did not have lube.

Let’s just say that I was in pain.

Midway, into us doing the do, his phone goes off. He stops and responds to a text. I immediately asked him if he was serious and he said his kid’s mom was still texting him. I had lost all respect for him at that moment because he seemed to have lost all respect for me. Then it hit me…

I was making myself his jump-off.

I ended things shortly after this and got ready. He asked me if I was sure I was ready to go and I kept affirming my wishes to leave with a solid yes. He eventually got dressed and took me home. On the way home, he continued to talk about the messed up things his kid’s mom was doing. I listened and spoke as I normally would while the pain from my coota throbbed away and intensified. I was truly sad, but I couldn’t allow him to see that. I smiled and said thanks and ran up the stairs. He waited until I got inside. I knew that I was done.

In the morning, I told him I had a reaction. He said he was sorry. About an hour later, I sent an mms message that looked like a book. It basicallyu broke down my feelings. I wanted him to know why I was stepping away.

I’m at the point now where it’s going to drive me insane if I continue to mess with him. Last night, we didn’t kiss and ask me if he held me or hugged me. Did he hold you Carmen? Did Mr. Secret kiss you? Did Mr. Secret tell you he missed you? No. No. No.

I cant do it anymore. I’m literally sick and tired of being sick and tired.

Carmen xoxo

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