I’m inconsistent. Yesterday, this new guy called to arrange for us to have dinner. I didn’t want to go, at first, but after speaking to an older friend, I realized that I was placing way too much on this guy. I feared him because he appeared to be someone that would attempt to get close, and I don’t want a boyfriend right now. Well why the hell was I placing such a heavy load on him? He just wanted to take me to dinner. What was wrong with that?

Listening to my girlfriends in my age group can be detrimental. Most of my girlfriends are going through their own man drama and they are in miserable situations. Maybe I should not be quick to take advice from them. One girlfriend even said “just tell him flat out that you are not interested.” Well I don’t want to hurt him, and part of me wants to see whatever he is about. It’s just dinner.

Look, I’m not looking to lock up, hitch up, shack up, lip lock, hug up, cuddle up, cuff up… none of that! I might not even like him. We may just want to be friends. Besides, he looks like he gained a lot of weight and I’m not attracted tp plis sized men. That’s just my thing. I’m plus sized enough.

I’m thinking about going back to Buff State. I’m thinking about finishing up and living out my life there, if possible. I miss the city. I really felt at home. The longer I stay in New York, the more I realize that I need to be far away from here. I’m not missing anything here. I may miss a few friends, but we are all on different paths and we all have things to accomplish within our own time frames. We cant stay stuck and stagnant.

I really want to concentrate on my writing, and I’ve had visions of being on campus, writing in my dorm room, in front of a laptop. I think it’s time…

Carmen xoxo


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