Heavy Heart

Lord,

It’s me again. I am coming to You with a very heavy heart. I’m overwhelmed and tired of it all. I’m lonely, even though I know You walk with me each day. I feel like no one else understands! I feel like I’m being punished for my mistakes. Are these the consequences I bear for living against Your will?

Lord, I’m hurt. Jesus, it’s not like I haven’t tried to behave. I guess it’s more than trying though… I guess I have to live by my words. It’s not enough to say it, but to live it. I know.

I’m sure You’re gonna say “told ya so”, but I’m hurt because I didn’t think this time, things would end up like this. I assumed Mr. Secret really had good intentions. I assumed that he was the one. He had many qualities that exemplified “the one”, but he wasn’t. I know love isn’t supposed to hurt. I know I shouldn’t have to cry myself to sleep because he didn’t call me, or because he yelled at me and ignored my calls. I know I shouldn’t feel down everyday because of the constant reminder that I am sharing him with many other women. I can’t bear the thought of them having the most intimate parts of what I. All the lies and deceit… I shouldn’t have to be burdened with the thought.

This is my promise, before You and the world (or at least, cyber space): from this day forward, I won’t look back. If Mr. Secret is to be with me, he will make himself worthy. He will show and prove himself as “the one”, and I will not need to debate within the constraints of my mind whether or not I am caught amidst a reverie that appears to be real. I WILL, without a shadow of a doubt, know. If he isn’t, please give me the patience and courage to make it through the days. Wein me off of his strong hold and guide my feet.

I won’t take one step without You.

Send “the one” in Your time, but please, allow us to build a friendship first. I can’t handle another heartbreak. I will continue to serve You.

I trust You.

Carmen xoxo

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