Settling For Nothing

So I noticed that lately, the blogs have become quite scanty. The problem is, when things happen between me and Mr. Secret, everything else kinda fails in comparison, and I spend my days trying to get over what’s happened. I’ve been so caught up that I noticed I made no real postings about my ex, which has been a contributing factor to my withdrawal.

Let’s just say my ex was always the guy I assumed I’d wind up with. That was always his favourite line… “we’re going to be together”. It didn’t matter if none of the other guys didn’t work out, because I always had my ex in the background. I felt secure knowing that we were waiting for each other. Once I found out he had a girlfriend, I was devastated. I repressed it all. I take these things hard you know!? Well I guess I engulfed myself in Mr. Secret even more. It was easy when I had my ex as a security blanket, but then since I found out about his girlfriend, which cut like a sharp sword, I guess I kind of lost it. I buried everything deep inside and honestly, I have yet to think about him, or his girlfriend, or how it makes me feel. I won’t any time soon either.

So now I obsess and exaggerate my feelings for Mr. Secret, knowing that he is NOT the one. He does care for me. I didn’t want to believe it, but I am convinced, but he is scared, and I cannot convince him to be with me, or to choose. I can’t allow myself to do that. I shouldn’t have to. Look dammit! I’m a friggin’ catch. I shouldn’t have to plead to anyone to love me. I can’t make myself break to do that.

A pastor said one evening that not everyone will get married. He also added something very profound. He said “His grace must be sufficient for you”. That simply means that, come what may, even if you are alone forever, God’s grace ought be enough to sustain you. I am learning to accept this concept. It isn’t easy to say a spiritual being is my husband, but it is getting less difficult day by day. I just want to love and be loved. Is anything wrong with that?

Carmen xoxo

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