The Trap

Why am I falling back into this trap? Yet again, I’m on another train ride home, but this ride is with the expectancy that Mr. Secret will be waiting for me at my gate, ready to pick me up and take me back to his home so we can spend the night together.

I’m not an idiot, but I do stupid things. I have called on close girl friends and cousins to help me when I didn’t think I could make it through the night because Mr. Secret hurt me so badly, and yet, here I am, anticipating his arrival. Mr. Secret isn’t by any means special. He isn’t loving anymore. He isn’t going to call me the next day to see if I’m ok. He isn’t going to give me more than what he is giving me. God forgive me! I shouldn’t even be fornicating. I can stop myself in my tracks. He’s not even amazing in bed. He’s great, but because there is no love, it feels empty. It pleases me until the next day. I’m sure tomorrow I’ll be a hottmess.com and I’ll be writing to you guys, telling you how hurt I feel, but all I have is right now. All I have is this very moment.

I’m trying to kick the lonely feeling…

I’ve never needed a man before. My ex had to beg me to be his girlfriend! Maybe it’s because all my friends are getting married and having babies? I don’t want to get married just yet though. I don’t want babies… at least, not yet!

Ugh…

Mr. Secret does not love me. I can’t deny…

Carmen xoxo

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