Mr. Secret and I spent the day together yesterday. How it happened, I have no idea. From the moment he said “I’m coming back to get you,” I knew it would go down. We had an argument earlier in the day and when I tried to explain why I was upset with him, he and I argued even more. I have no idea why I called him a few minutes after her drove off, but he said in a calm voice “if I pick you up, we are going to my place to talk because I’m tired.” I knew we would wind up kissing or something. The fire and the electricity and chemistry is undeniably there. We want to leave each other alone, but it’s virtually impossible.
I do feel guilty. He came and held me and apologized and of course I pushed him off and yelled at him. He kissed me and I pushed him away and told him he’s just being nice for but a moment, but I was weak. I told him to go eat his lunch and he pointed to my cuchara (as you all know by now is my name for my vaj jay jay- coota-muffin, lady bits, cookie, cookies and cream, etc.). I refused and he got up and said “ok fine.” I stood up to adjust my clothes. Somehow, in a matter of seconds, my sweater was off, my tank was twisted and my skirt was above my waist. No surprise because we all know he’s beyond experienced.
He walked away, had his lunch and I made myself comfortable on the couch. Then I noticed him get in his bed. I asked him if he was going to sleep and he said he was tired. I got up and went and sat on the bed (real smart huh) and we started talking. I asked him all the questions I needed to, regarding his attitude towards me and he admitted a lot. Eventually he started falling asleep. I pushed him and hit him with pillows to wake up. Somehow, we started kissing and from there, it was over. We wound up cuddling and he held me after it all. He wouldn’t let me go, and he began telling me how he missed me, and he missed “this”. I grabbed his jaw and made him look into my eyes and tell me that he wasn’t going to change.
I know it’s coming. I know he’s going to be silly again. I doubt he is the one because he has neither stepped up to the challenge, nor has he backed away. I know what I want. I know that to be woman #1,000 is not for me. Never has been. Never will be. I know I can’t settle for certain things. I know I want love, but that he may just be infatuated with me and that’s not enough. I’m scared this time. I think I’m going to really get my heart broken. I’m getting teary now just thinking about it. I know what I have to do. I have to step away. I have to believe that something better is there for me because I deserve it. I have to remember my worth and not get caught up in my carnal desires. Mr. Secret may always keep his true feelings for me a secret from even himself. I asked him how he feels about me on the drive home. He admitted that he likes me but he never explored all his feelings for me. That just sounds wishy-washy, you know? Before I walked out his car, I told him simply ” I love you. You know that. Do what you want with that knowledge, but don’t waste my time. I’m not here to waste yours and you shouldn’t waste mine.” He seemed shocked. I got out and said thank you and he waited until I got inside.
My whole thing is, there are plenty of women out there that want a no strings attached thing. Leave the ones like myself that want a loving, nurturing relationship alone. Don’t bother us!
I guess men will be men. For now, I’m trying to just pull my own life together because the best thing we as women can do for ourselves is work on making ourselves better. Do it for yourself and not a man, because they rarely notice anything anyway.