“I Thought…

…that you’d be outta my mind…”
-Painted on My Heart by The Cult.

Unfortunately, Mr. Secret is never on my mind until someone asks me about him, or until I am forced to see his face. I usually like for any guy I develop feelings for to just disappear, but unfortunately, he was someone I should have never dealt with. Our spheres are way too entertwined, but I didn’t see things clearly. I didn’t think things through. Now I’m left with a very uncomfortable feeling everytime he steps into my world. I didn’t run away from him, but I needed some time to kinda get my head together. I didn’t want to become one of those crazy, vendictive women that seek revenge. God said vengence was His, so I leave whatever needs to transpire between Mr. Secret and God. Who knows? Maybe he may ask God for forgiveness, and God may just clean his slate.

I have moved on. I haven’t started seeing anyone else yet because I need to heal. I need time to clear my thoughts, breathe, spend time with myself, enjoy life without worrying about my crazy Mr.’s, and just live. I think the thought of who or what kinda Mr. Would enter my life was always such a catastrophic consuming thought. Why should I wonder who was next and play this sick, twisted game where I always wind up hurt because the Mr. is never THE ONE. Mr. Secret was a lesson, not a mistake. He was a reminder that unless I take my head out the sand, I will continue to see only what I want to see because I’m too afraid of what God has in store for me. I had decided to give it all together, and man is God amazing! I haven’t thought about Mr. Secret, I no longer cry, miss our friendship (not the benefits part… never missed that), I no longer have a desire for him, or to be loved by him. I’m so content with myself right now, and I would really love to get to know me a bit better. I think I deserve it. Don’t you think it’s about time we know more about ourselves?

Carmen xoxo

… oh yeah… I was so totally his loss and a bad toss, but as Beyonce said “you turned out to be the best thing I NEVER had…”


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