So as you all know, Mr. Secret and I had a friends with benefits relationship that worked just fine until we slept together about a month ago (or was it after he kissed me? I don’t even know anymore). It only happened once, but once was enough to destroy everything, and his entire personality has hence changed since the amazing “one night episode” we had. I wouldn’t lie. It was beautiful.
He wasn’t fucking me. He wasn’t trying to “tear my ass up”. He didn’t have “a point to prove” to me. He didn’t want to “destroy my pussy”. He wasn’t trying to hurt me, and yet, somehow, I got hurt…
He held me gently… he was gentle with me, like I was porcelain. He took his time, and made sure to caress my skin and enjoy me in that moment. I can’t say I didn’t feel good with him, but was it worth it? Certainly not.
We exchanged a few emails that told each other exactly how much we regret what we did, but it didn’t stop there. Mr. Secret expressed to me that he basically did not want a relationship, friendship, or business relationship with me. Of course, I went in and told him he’d never get a chance to be with me again. He said he basically didn’t care and that he would survive. Somehow, I wish I could believe that, because I want to, but I don’t. I told him it was his loss and he said he didn’t give a fuck. I told him to lose my number and he sent the final email that hurt me so much that all I could do was lock my room door, shut off my lights, close my navy blue curtains to make my room dark and slide into bed, crying myself to sleep. Of course I knew he had other women, but for some reason, I began believing him, which was my biggest mistake. I started to believe him because I never thought he would try to play me. Not me. Not Carmen. Not his very good friend. Not the woman he pursued, wanted, and damn near adored. Not Carmen. I’m better than that… but not for him.
So he wound up breaking my heart, but fortunately for me, I don’t ever stay down long. When I hear Marvin’s Room, I think of him, and how he had always told me I could do better, throughout every relationship I’ve had. Little did I know that he would mean in in every aspect, including himself.
This morning, a giy I used to talk to for quite some time, hut me up on messenger. Oddly enough, he sent me his number and we started corresponding again. We’ll call this guy “Mr. Six Figures”, because this guy is making money! He’s a college grad, that went to an Ivy League college, and he took up computer science. He’s a hot shot techie for a big company and works in the Columbus Circle area. He’s sexy as all hell, standing at 6’2″, and believe me, his locks are long and gorgeous. I still remember him being the best kisser I have ever experienced. I had all kings of butterflies and birds in my stomach when he passionately kissed me. I still wonder about him, and if we could have worked.
Well his interest this morning reminded me that I am more than a catch, and if Mr. Secret isn’t interested anymore, someone else will be. Maybe it won’t be Mr. Six Figures, who made me feel like a goddess when he kissed me on my forehead. There was so much love there, and he was so great at making me feel very special. We never slept together. He had always said he wanted to preserve that between us. It wasn’t that he didn want to. He did, but he didn’t want to ruin what we had, and I respected him so much for that. In the end, his dinking issues took a toll on our relationship and we decided to just hault. I couldn’t take his anger, and he couldn’t take my inexperience… an di was very inexperienced. He was the first person I seriously talked to after my ex and I fell head over heels into him.
We’ll see… and of course, I will keep you all posted.