Don’t jump. You know if you did it, you would have to be successful, or else you would wind up in the hospital and you would never hear the end of it. Don’t jump. Think about your friends. Think about your family. Ok wait. Don’t think about them. Think about all your dreams coming true. What if they could? What if everything you’ve been working so hard to attain came through for you tomorrow? Would you still want to take that plunge? Take a leap of faith Mikenzy and put the tie down...
3 Hours Earlier
“Selfish bastard! Even after you told him about the death of your little sister, he still insisted on giving you a zero for the paper? That paper’s worth thirty percent of your final grade! That’s so fucked up! I’m so sorry Mac”. Danielle’s soft blue eyes staring into Mikenzy’s big brown eyes were not enough to reassure her. Mikenzy gave her the look that said she wanted to be alone, and Danielle picked up on that very quickly.
“I’ll show myself out”, Danielle said quietly. “You know I’m right next door if you need me. Four zero…”
“Seven”, Mikenzy said softly, attempting not to sound exactly the way she felt, in order not to alarm her overly concerned friend. She didn’t want her to know that she was on the precipice. Danielle exited quietly and once Mikenzy heard the door click, she sprang up from the bed where she was sitting, as if she knew she had a mission to complete. She was on a search for her only tie. She’d wear it occasionally when she was having what she’d call, her “dike days”, or whenever she was feeling what she’d call ” a little lesbian-ish”. She searched through her closet and could not find it. A thought immediately slid into her mind, and she agreed that she knew God didn’t want to her to do it, so He was hiding the tie, but she really wasn’t concerned about what God wanted from her at that point. Everything was going wrong, and if He truly loved her, He could have changed it, but He didn’t, and He wouldn’t and living within herself, knowing He was there, but refused to help her only managed to frustrate her even more. What’s the use?
She was persistent. She needed that tie. She finally realized how the woman with the one missing coin felt. She was relentless in her searching. She couldn’t wait to find it, but when she did see it there, stuck between two shoe boxes, she felt a sort of bittersweet feeling, flooding her heart. She opened up the pink shoe box and pulled out a pair of patent leather black heels. She hugged them and tried them on, remembering the time she had sex with her best friend in those shoes. “He would have made a perfect husband if he hadn’t gone to Italy and met that girl that just swept him off his feet”, she thought. “That was the best sex ever. I love these heels! I’ve had some good times wearing these damn shoes. Too bad. I know I’ll miss wearing them.” She took them off and placed them neatly in the box, sliding the box back in place, and recovering the tie. She got back in bed and waited for the moment, but then began contemplating calling Tara. She wanted to hear her voice one last time, but was worried that the sound of her voice might persuade her to go on for one more day. She chose to call anyway.
Mikenzy was totally distraught. She had been eating tons of chocolate ice cream and sleeping through the days. She continued to call out of work everyday for the second week in a row. She called the office and got Tara, the secretary, whom she had grown very fond of over the last year. Occassionally, they’d go out to lunch, and Mikenzy would wait for her sometimes, whenever she was in need of some company. Tara was always good for listening and she had a way with words that felt nurturing to Mikenzy. Mikenzy couldn’t get enough of her, but still, didn’t want to be overbearing. She was holding her tie, when she called to hear Tara’s voice, anticipating the loving tone through the phone.
“I’m not coming in today”, Mikenzy slurred.
“Honey, you don’t sound too good. Should I stop by after work?”
“No. I’m not in the mood for company”. It was evident that Mikenzy was still in bed. The sound of drool gargling between words and the muffled sound of sweat and a phone pressed up between pillow and face made it difficult for Tara to hear her, but her love for Mikenzy helped her interpret.
“You should get out of the house today. You need sunlight! Some of that good ole vitamin D, girl! I bet you haven’t even noticed the sun for the past week. We’ve been having awesome weather! We should go to the beach later!” Tara knew it was a stretch, but she was trying to throw some bait, hoping for any response that changed Mikenzy’s tone. She just needed something to work with. Fortunately, she knew Mikenzy well, and the beach was perfect.
“I don’t have a bath suit”, Mikenzy struggled, holding back the sobs. A lump grew in her throat, and anger began brewing in her veins, coming to a slow boil.
“No worries! I have a few new suits and we wear just about the same size… you should be about a twelve, maybe a ten now since you haven’t really been eating. I’ll be over at five”.
“Okay”, Mikenzy said tenderly, like a child, caving in.
“Oh yeah… and before I forget… Mac?” Tara didn’t wait for a response. “You better be showered and ready to go. Don’t cancel our date now! I know where you live and I will bang down your door.” Mikenzy pressed the end call button on her touch screen phone and rolled back over on the bed, facing the ceiling, glaring at it and searching for answers, hoping there would be some writing on the walls. She suddenly lost all stength and tears began rolling down her face, into her ears. Her arms lost strength and without her own knowledge or power, she release her right arm over the bed, dropping the tie on the floor. She commanded her mother’s quilt to rise and cover her face, but of course, it didn’t hear her. She closed her eyes and soon fell asleep as the last drop hit the pillow and dried on her face.
Current And Onward…
Tara was over as soon as she got the extra bathing suit from her house. She could hear the sound in Mikenzy’s voice that only pulled at her heart strings. She couldn’t explain it. She tried explaining it to her boyfriend once, and he brushed it off, but it didn’t matter much to her, because she could barely explain it to herself. She just knew that Mikenzy was one of those people that you meet once in your lifetime that etched out a mark that could never be erased.
She called when she was a block away telling Mikenzy to open the door. She knew it would take her a minute to get to the door. She didn’t know how she knew, but she just knew.
Mikenzy’s soul had joined with hers that night they had a few too many drinks. The kiss was certainly not planned, but far from strange. They felt it, but they both denied that it was more than just a kiss. Mikenzy had always been a hard up Christian, and she was very disgusted within herself when the kiss happened. She knew their souls collided and that Tara now dwelled within her, but she knew that the longer she denied her true self, God might bless her diligence and repentance, and remove anything within her body, mind and soul that was not of Him. Mikenzy started feeling ignored by Him.
“When last have you prayed?”, Tara asked, watching Mikenzy walk towards the bathroom to shower. She had overslept and didn’t wake up until Tara called her. Without turning around, and now, moving with a quicker pace, Mikenzy answered “I don’t pray anymore”, and slammed the door. Tara could hear the shower head blast out onto the bathtub, but there was silence. Normally, she knew Mikenzy sang, but not today. Tara walked over to the kitchen and searched for something to eat. The refrigerator was empty, but she managed to find Mikenzy’s favorite crackers in the cupboard. She munched on a few while she waited.
At The Beach…
Mikenzy lay there on the beach towel, soaking in the much needed ocean breeze, mixed in with the heat from the hot sun. Tara reached over her to get a beer out of the cooler and their eyes met. There was a slightly awkward air, but neither woman shifted. It was as if that was a necessary moment.
Tara’s smile broke the silence. Mikenzy gave a half smirk, attempting to still give Tara some confidence in her beach plans, even if it was somewhat unsuccessful. Deep down, she was only there because she didn’t want to hurt Tara’s feelings or cause her to believe that she needed more attention than she was already receiving from Tara. If Tara knew about the tie incident earlier, she would have certainly been on top of things. Somehow though, Mikenzy felt that Tara had an idea.
“Can you get one for me too?” Mikenzy’s voice came in strong and assertive.
“Wanna beer or Smirnoff?” Tara reached over again, and smiled, her elbow brushing softly over Mikenzy’s nipple. They both felt it, and Tara looked into her eyes. The sun was clear, the sky was bright, and everyone was in their own moment. The children ran around sand castles and lovers held hands as they strolled on the beach sand. The lifeguards looked on anxiously. They were shielded from the world under their large beach umbrella. Mikenzy felt her clitoris jump. They both reached in for the inevitable, as their lips touched and the souls combined.
“I’m healed”, thought Mikenzy.
Tara pulled away first, and they both smiled. “I can’t lose you Mac”, Tara said.
Mikenzy smiled and said “come home with me”. It was so soft and sweet that Tara let out a soft chuckle and said “ok”, while pushing the loose hair behind her ear. There was a girlish look in her eyes, and for the first time, Mikenzy noticed a twinkle in them. Could she have needed Mikenzy more than Mikenzy needed her?
“Yeah… come home with me and get rid of this tie I have that’s been bugging the shit out of me,” Mikenzy said with a slight annoyance in her voice.
“Whatever you want Mac… Whatever you want.” Tara gently rest her head on Mikenzy’s stomach and closed her eyes, letting the waves of her inner storm put her to sleep as she gently released.