I woke up this morning feeling great about life. There is a slight overcast of clouds, but I won’t let the weather rain on my parade. I feel good about my future. You know what guys? At first I was feeling so down trodden about Mr. Secret not wanting me, whether it be something long distance, or in the now and present moment, but I learned so much from my session yesterday with my head doc. She really helped me to understand that if it was something I really wanted, I could be patient to wait and find out what he wants when he’s ready. I realized that I hadn’t read into all the signs, and that maybe it was just sex for him, and since I can’t, and wouldn’t want to force anything that isn’t there, I just need to leave it alone.
I feel refreshed! I can focus on other things and move on with my life. Had Mr. Secret wanted to start something with me, my response would have been different. I would have had a totally different response, of course. The key word he said to me in a text message that really stood out for me was that someone may come along that will “genuinely” want to be with me. Studying the English language and Psychology for such a long time has taught me a lot. When we write or say things, our mind scans the words for the best possible outcome and selects the correct wording to put out. It has to make sense, match up with what we want to get across to the recipient hearing our words, and it has to add up with our body language (most times). When we write, it’s a little different, because sometimes we take longer, so we have the ability to really think about what we say. Usually, what we say the first time is exactly what we mean to say. There is even a term for saying things we mean, accidentally (donned as the Freudian Slip). Diction and syntax is everything to me, especially when analyzing. I can break down a sonnet by the great Shakespeare, so how difficult is breaking down a text?
It proved more difficult than I thought. The veil before my eyes convoluted my judgement. I wanted to hear him say that he loves me, but cannot be with me at this time, or that someone may come along that I may want to be with that is better than him and I would leave him. Then I could reassure him that I loved him, truly, and wanted only him. Oddly enough, he was slightly saying all these things, but the word “genuine” really spoke volumes to me when I stepped out of the box that obstructed my thought process. If he thought someone else may genuinely want to be with me, and I might miss my grande opportunity to be with someone that genuinely wanted to be with me, that meant that he did not “genuinely” want me. I had to read his emails and texts with a clear, un-biased mind. It was hard to have to find the truth between the sugar coated candy drops, but I did it, and when I was done, I felt like shit.
Still, in everything, I was able to take this and turn it into a positive thing. I realized that I didn’t feel bad about the sex because I’m human and I needed to do it at that time. He is also single, so I don’t feel bad. I’m not justifying it, but hey, look on the bright side… at least he wasn’t a married man! I wasn’t mistreated or disrespected. It was intimate and overall, though I didn’t get my big O, I left feeling pretty darn good. No love loss.
I do need to be accountable for my impulsive behavior though. When I got the thought to buy massage oils at Victoria’s Secret on Saturday, I should have stopped myself in my track. That may have avoided our entire episode the next day. I need to stop myself in my tracks when my impure thoughts start making their way to the part of my brain where I put plans into motion. Stop Carmen! Don’t do it! Think of the consequences!
Sex is something that’s difficult to stop when it’s getting warmed up, or even just a thought. The possibility of getting it, and then stopping right before you can get it is not easy. I trusted Mr. Secret not to push when I said stop (even though my body said yes and I wanted it just as bad as he did).
I’ve grown a huge appreciation for my ex. In all the things we’ve been through, he has always respected me in this aspect. No meant no, and even if no meant yes, he heard no and left it alone. What a man! Now I can only imagine how terribly difficult this must have been for him, to want someone and stop. He could have easily tried to persuade me, but never did. He would just turn over and watch tv, and then fall asleep holding me. I appreciate that and I know that that is what I need. A real man. A real lover.
I’m seeing bits and pieces of things I admire and hope for in my future mate in all of the guys I’ve talked to, or dealt with and I know I won’t settle. I honestly thought Mr. Secret was the one, but he clearly wasn’t and I have to be okay with that. Why? Well this isn’t a reverie. It’s real life, and that’s how these stories are written. I know everything will work out. I’m convinced.
I’m letting God lead… then I’ll follow, but I won’t make one move without hearing His still, small voice…