Kick Me When I’m Down

How can such an act like sex, or making love, or fucking, become as cruel as murder, deceit, or treachery? How did I get caught? Mr. Secret was just a friend, but we crossed the line I drew and promised myself, and God, that I wouldn’t step over. Originally, the plans were not nearly as intricate as sex. I believed in my heart that he would man up and own up to the fact that he was starting to feel something for me too, but I guess that was a mere assumption on my part. I guess we can call it a character flaw. Unfortunately, Mr. Secret is doing his best to run away from what his heart and carnal flesh desires, which is more of me.

Sex is so overrated. Can I just stay celibate forever though?

My fall from grace on Sunday night/ Monday morning left me with the bitter consequences. Carmen gave in y’all, and now I’m reaping the harvest of what should have brought in an abundance of love. I’m left here in confusion as I wait for Mr. Secret to come clean. It was either one of two things: maybe he played me, which was his intentions all along, or maybe he is also falling for me, and is scared to admit the truth to even hisself? Whichever the case may be, I have so many things I need to get off my chest. Mr. Secret will/ may never read this. I wanted to post some emails that I’ve wanted to send to him, but couldn’t, for whatever reason that may be. As my audience, I’m sure you can feel the pain I’m feeling. I just have to ask one thing to the universe:

Is it my naiivety he played on, because if so, he has mistaken my love for stupidity? Foolish, maybe, but I wanted to believe everything he said, even if his actions did not support what came out of his mouth. Words cannot explain how much I wanted to believe that he would be a real man, but I expected too much. Now I’m going to have to go back to the old me.

Carmen xoxo

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