By Carmen XueLi
A penis is not supposed to be that small. I mean, he came around talking a good game, telling us all about how one night with him would have us calling him “Daddy”. I couldn’t even give him a chance to call him Uncle. I mean this thing was so small. No guys! Really! This guy was little. It was funny because some women had gotten caught, but I was smart.
My Momma always told me “Dorothy, you listen here! Man will always say what they want you to hear, and best believe they be lying almost all the the times through they lying little conniving teeth! Hell! Your Daddy did it to me and best believe honey I told myself once a mistake, twice a fool! I wadn’t never gon let them sweet talk me, and you best not either! You hear me?! They all is after one god damned thang and it’s the cookie your panties is guardin’! Now don’t you ever let me hear you was a fool and got caught cuz you be the fool by yo self dammit. Don’t even get caught off guard cuz they some tricky people, them men. It’s like they all tryin to pay us back for what Eve did to Adam. Always be one step ahead of them please! We don’t need nobody talkin no smack about us, you hear me?!” I heard her, but I never believed her.
Momma was very clear. I was to be educated and there was to be no fooling around. I took up law and passed the bar with flying colours. I was scared to get “caught” as she always referred to it. All through college I remained a virgin until I met Malcolm in my junior year. I fell in love but after two years, inevitably, he broke my heart. He cheated on me with an AKA. Ruined my self esteem for about 6 years. That’s when I developed my hatred for men. Momma was right.
After I got a hot shot job in the heart of Manhattan as an assistant to a big time lawyer, I vowed to be the one always in control. I slept with about thirty- five men in 1999. That was the year Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera came out with the paper thin bodies and I joined a gym by my apartment in SoHo. I lost about nineteen pounds in two months, due to regular exercise… and starvation. I was going 24/7, assisting the old fart, and working my way up the ladder. I kissed so much white ass, I prayed my black lips wouldn’t change colour. I wanted so much out of life, but the one thing I knew I didn’t want was a baby. I could afford Gucci and Prada and I made sure to invest in the latest fashion. I made sure to always be a step ahead of everyone else. I could afford Gucci and Prada, but I could never afford to ruin my life with a child.
What was I running from?
When my Momma died in 2004, I was broken. I started wondering why I didn’t feel anything. I spent my life proving to her that I wouldn’t be like her and after she died, I wondered for a long time who I was supposed to prove anything to. I wanted to kill myself, quite frankly, but for some reason, when I started making jokes about it, people got really weird and concerned. I guess making jokes about taking sleeping pills at a table of young, hot shot lawyers at a hot shot restaurant doesn’t go down too well, but I was pleading for a bit of attention and maybe I had a little too much cabernet sauvignon.
I met a guy that was as broke as I was broken. A lot of women had spoken about how fine he was and I had known that a lot of them slept with him. I usually was very picky with the men I slept with, but there was something about Richard in his blue janitorial uniform, with his muscular arms that he’d always show off by cuffing the sleeves of his shirt, and his big brown eyes. We flirted a lot, sometimes with just our eyes. After about seven months of flirting, and trying to be coy, I had to know what was so good about him.
I got back to his place one September night, after going to dinner. We split the check, as I demanded, just so that he would know where we stood. I had on a blue, satin mini dress that gripped every one of my curves positively. I knew I was the main attraction that night. I did it to show him that I was better than him. I did it to degrade him. Oddly enough, I enjoyed seeing him in his dress shirt and slick black pants. He looked so out of his element.
“You know Dorothy, I never thought I’d get to see you outside of work”, Richard said.
“You look handsome tonight”, I said seductively, trying to get him away from making anything more than small talk. I reached over and lightly massaged his left shoulder, and ran my hand down the length of his arm, stopping to grip a large tricep. I was scheming, as usual.
“Tell me now Mr. Darcy, what makes the ladies at Fink & Fritz want a piece of you”? I waited. I didn’t want to hear any bullshit responses like all men start out with, but somehow, I felt it coming. I anticipated it, like the way we anticipate the terrible scent of urine and days old encrusted shit on a homeless person when they breeze pass you on the subway.
“I’m not a ladies man”. Bullshit.
“I really like you”. Bullshit again.
“The first time I saw you, I wanted to get to know you”. Bullsh–… wait, there may be some truth to that. Stop giving him the Im- on- to- you look and play dumb Dorothy. We don’t need him knowing you’re really as smart as you look. I wanted him to just admit that he wanted to get to know me physically.
“Really”, I asked, batting my lashes?
“Yeah. I mean, you’re different”. Bullshit. Here we go.
“Yeah. like those other females want me for sex. They see muscles and think ‘oh he takes care of himself’, but they never took the time to just enjoy my company. Maybe because I’m a janitor, they only have use for me to fix their leaky faucet”? Richard let out such a laugh, that I was forced to give a chuckle, almost immediately, coming from the depths of hypocrisy. I really didn’t find him funny, but he was somewhat amusing me. I got more enjoyment watching a man get put behind bars on rape charges, knowing that I had that power to determine the facts and manipulate the evidence and the jurors with these facts that inevitably, would ruin the rest of a man’s life.
I nodded as if to say I agreed that I was different. Then as he rambled on and I nodded on cue, I selfishly sought my own thoughts. I began asking myself what the hell I was doing there at his place? Why did I agree to have dinner if I didn’t want to lead him on? Even if we split the bill, now he’s under some impression that we both mutually had feelings for each other. I had to get the ball moving to get out of that man’s apartment.
I surprised him when I put my finger on his lips and told him quietly to “shush”. I hadn’t had time to think, but I reached quickly for his belt buckle. “What’s the rush? It’s only ten”, he said sweetly. I wish he hadn’t. He took my hand and we walked over to his sofa. “Wanna watch a movie”, he asked, turning on the television anyway. It was on a nature program. “I really like watching the stuff they have on lions. Most animals are fascinating, but I just love lions. Something about the way they attack their prey and have that innate sense of control”, he said. I glanced around as he said this and noticed the throw on the loveseat. It was a lion, standing beside a lioness, which was humbly lying before him. So powerful, and yet, so docile. I decided to look up along the entertainment system. There were statues of all different sizes, all of them lions. “You have quite the collection”, I smirked, pointing to a painting of a lion above my head.
“You like it, huh”, he asked, turning his head away to get back to finding an appropriate station that suited his taste. “I hope you like jazz”, Richard said, excited to have something to set the mood, as he rushed back to sit next to me. “Now where were we”, he asked again? I was starting to get annoyed.
Once seated, I began again. He tried to kiss me, but I withdrew, and in the same moment, got the buckle off and zipped the pants down in time to pull out his member. He smiled and asked me what I was going to do, but just seeing it there, attached to him, made me so angry. I got to the point where I didn’t even want it, and when I finally got myself excited about it again, it stood there, erect, small, a disappointment.
He began kissing me neck and asking me if I would call him Daddy when he made love to me. The same washed up line. I wasn’t special at all. All I could think about was how fast I could run in those four inch Marc Jacobs heels.
I pushed him off and stood up. “Dorothy?”
“Richard, you are very sweet, but I can’t do this”, I said firmly. He knew not to push it. I walked over to the table where I left my clutch.
“Wait… did I do something wrong”, he asked, totally dumbfounded and shuffling to fix his shirt back in his pants. By that time, I had my trench coat, keys, and I was out the door and down the hall. I was headed to the elevator when he grabbed my hand.
“Can you at least tell me what’s going on”, he yelled? I pressed the down button.
“You, Richard, are an imposter! You little dick piece of shit”, I yelled! The elevator door opened on cue. I got on, and the look on his stupid face… priceless. I pressed the button to close the door and he just looked at me, with rage and pain. Damaged?
I hailed a cab. It was pouring rain and I had no umbrella. I didn’t need one. I needed a cleansing. Everything was wrong with me. I definitely did get pleasure from seeing him helpless, as if he wanted to punch me in my face, but had too much pride.
At work the next day, I thought I’d injure him enough to have him call out. It would have given me great satisfaction to know that I had that power, the power of an absent -minded man; the assholes of the earth.
He was there, talking to Charlene. She was a quiet one. Docile. The submissive type.
She laughed out and then covered her mouth as if to show that she couldn’t help it coming out. He touched her chin and smiled. She smiled back.
Why the hell was I watching them? I had work to do. Charlene was fairly new to the firm. She was learning the ropes but didn’t have too many friends. I decided that the best way to deal with her is to leave her alone, and allow her to fall, watching her demise. I got a good burn in my heart from the thought.
I grabbed my cup of coffee and put it on the edge of my desk. I looked around and then knocked it over with my elbow.
“Oh silly me”, I shouted. Richard glanced over and turned back to Charlene. John, a young white guy that ate from my hands (because, he too, was working his way up the ladder) motioned with his hands for Richard to come over. “We need you to clean this up.” He said it so innocently. Richard nodded to him, but refused to acknowledge my presence. He came back with a towel and got on one knee. I sat down at my seat and watched him. I threw my pen down by him and said “hand me that pen”. It was in a monotone lacking emotion. He handed it to me, but glanced up my legs. I uncrossed them from the left, spread them for him to see that I was waxed, and then crossed them again to the right. He smiled.
The fall of man.
I smiled back. At least I knew I could always have him, little dick and all.