What Hurts The Most- Part Two

I think what hurts the most with everything that’s happened with Mr. Secret is the fact that I know I should have never let it get that far. I am the one to really blame because I know deep in my heart that I shouldn’t have sacrificed our friendship for my own personal satisfaction. I guess for the first time, I couldn’t handle hearing him tell me all he wanted to do, or could have done, and just leave it alone. That had never happened before. I had never wanted to take a test drive before, but it was the security in our friendship that led me to believe that if I took the plunge, he would not view me as any less, or more than a friend. Our friendship was supposed to seal in our curius minds. My curiosity got the best of me and unfortunately, it looks like after he kissed me last week, I started feeling as if I could have feelings developing for him. That scared me so much, because I’ve never been in that positon before… liking someone that didn’t feel the same.

One day, I started thinking about how he gets angry, and how much it turned me on to see whenever he’d get all riled up. I have no clue why seeing an angry man gets me all hot and bothered, but I’m guessing it has something to do with seeing the strength of man in his fullest form, and watching him go to the farthest spectrum, and then slowly return back to his self. I can gage how safe he would make me feel, and safety is one of the most important things to me in a man.

My father had to rush home each night, or else I was told I would never fall asleep. Without him in our home, I felt as if anything could happen, and then what would happen to me? I would surely die. I’ve needed a protector in human form. God always covered me, and knew that even on my own, I would be fine. I just can’t see myself with a man that wouldnt fight for my honour or defend me to the end. It’s the reason Nora left Helmer in A Doll House, and why I too see this honour as a miracle.

My secret was that amidst our secret, I saw my heart strings slowly being tugged away at, and I knew I could barely hold up. When he kissed me, it changed everything for me. I hate kissing, because I turn into a sappy mush of a watery love bucket, and I only want to feel that way with someone I know that loves me back, or at least has some kind of feelings towards me. I am at the whim of a man’s tweedling thumb, and somehow, I become this submissive dove, docile, humbled and full of fire inside.

What’s the use in kissing if not to express the feelings of the deepest love within your soul.

My biggest problem was that I started to wonder what life could have been like with Mr. Secret if we took it there. That was my biggest mistake, but it didn’t happen until after that blasted kiss. When souls inter-mingle as hearts beat together and lips press up against each other, two become one. A kiss is intimate. A kiss says that the feelings inside cannot be summed up, and must be put into action. This action is like making love. To me, sex is an act of love. I’m sorry I’m old school, but to be able to freely have sex and not attach emotions or feelings, takes a strong mind. I mean you have to really condition yourself to not care about the person. You have to think like an animal.

So it’s all my fault, and I get this now. I know I can’t fix this. Mr. Secret himself would have to want to mend this thing, and he would have to want to do it for the sake of our friendship. Unfortunately, he is terrible at communicating and has an inpenitrable wall up that guards his feelings from being hurt. I have apparently been donned as an enemy. I have since, removed myself from his life. I can’t bear the thought of knowing that I allowed our friendship to be ruined, all because I trusted him when he said it would never come to that. Men say anything to get panties off. Hard to believe that this friendship got caught in the whirlwind and it’s come full cricle and he refuses to jump in and stop it before it’s too late.

I met up with an old friend of mine tonight. He couldn’t stop hugging me. I had to tip toe to hug him because he’s so tall, and when I got home, all I could smell was his cologne that could make a woman melt. I could see that he wanted to kiss me, but he was scared and I’m glad he didn’t try. He’s an amazing guy, but I would never risk our friendship, and remember, I said I wasn’t going into any more whirlwinds, because I’m listening to God. I’m staying single, I’m not dating, and though I’ve been celibate, I’m really keeping away from men for now, until God says when.

What hurts the most is that Mr. Secret doesn’t even want to try to mend things again by just picking up the damn phone and telling me what’s going on in his head, how much he too, needs my friendship, and what we can do to fix what’s broken. What hurts the most id the way he goes on with his life as if I’ve never even created a dent in his life. What hurts the most is that I would have become just anpther notch under his belt, had I made the mistake of sleeping with him. Awhat hurts the most is that I actually care, while he moves on to whoever comes along that is better than me. Well the truth is, I know I have a lot to offer and if someone doesn’t see that, that’s their loss. I’m not going to force anyone, because in the end, I need someone to stand up and secure me, and defend my honour. I need that miracle.

Carmen xoxo

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