God and I have an interesting relationship. I would love to talk about it more in-depth with people, but most wouldn’t understand. I used to believe that it was because they didn’t have that calling, but now I see it has little to do with the calling. Most people simply are not made to carry that sensitivity to lead. It’s so difficult when people look to you and you have to point the way to Jesus, but your life must also show that you walk on the path to Christ.
I’ve become a rebel. I’ve fought and wrestled with God to just allow me to be normal. I want to be able to smoke a cigarette and feel a buzz (which never happens— all I wind up with is a sore throat and a cold the next day). I want to be able to get drunk and do something wild, like kiss any random, hott guy or flash a bunch of people. I want to be able to go somewhere that I choose, and just be with a man who loves me.
The reality of it all is, I can’t. No matter how much I rebel, I always wind up in the same pattern; the same whirlwind. No matter how different I put the equation together, I wind up with the same solution. God won’t have it, and I won’t accept that He won’t give in. Are you lost? Okay, let me give a few examples.
My ex and I had a four-year soap opera kind of love. He was my first kiss at age 20. I had plenty of opportunities to kiss boys (heck, even girls… I know, I know) but I couldn’t stomach the thought. Yes you’ve read perfectly right. I couldn’t stomach the thought of kissing. It made me sick just imagining a boys wet tongue, filled with saliva and germs, going into my mouth. It seemed so barbaric. These thoughts helped to protect and bar me from making many foolish decisions. The moment I fell in love with my ex (my first everything, and only boyfriend), it all went down hill. I craved his love and attention and I couldn’t get enough of his kisses. After breaking up with him about three times, the final time, he broke up with me. Since then, we never officially got back together, though he’s pleaded and even proposed twice. Though he seems to be the only person that really knows me well enough, he isn’t the one and I can feel that deep in my gut. It was too much of a whirlwind. Even while he and I talked after the breakup, I started mingling with many different guys, and getting to know them, but never on a physical level. I may have even hung out with them, but I refused to be touched, kissed or held. The next guy I fell for was an Asian and black Trinidadian guy with long dreadlocks, standing well over six feet tall, about 300 lbs (now he’s 250 and looks amazing), and he was 5 years older than me.
He was a sweetheart. He would drive two hours to come see me at least once a week. He always wanted to take me somewhere nice, spending lots of money on me, and it felt so good to finally be treated like a real princess. We could talk for hours on the phone, which had always been something I knew I needed in a man. I wanted a friendship first, and we had that. We soon began getting closer and closer. One day, he had me meet him at work, around Columbus Circle. He was a hot-shot with a great job, and his degree from an Ivy League college was well put to use in many of our debates. I never once felt intimidated by his knowledge and plethora of a vocabulary. It was such a turn on! I could feel that he liked me a lot. He met me at the front of the building. He told the security guard that I was with him, flashed an I.D. card along a turnstile, and took me down a long hallway to the elevator area. There were so many. I was beginning to wonder if he really worked for the CIA. LOL! Everything was white, clear or steel and it was so high-tech. Once in the elevator, we went way up to maybe the 41st floor… I can’t remember now but it was high up, maybe higher. He introduced me to his boss and his boss’ partner, which really made me feel special. He admitted that no girl had ever been to his job site before. They had all been drinking but I felt safe. He was great at protecting me and making me feel safe with him, which is also something I learned I need to feel with any guy I’m going to be with.
Apparently, he was working late again and they were still there and asked him to stay back because he was the best at what he did. The floor they were on was like a huge labyrinth with many offices and cubicles. He took me to a cubicle station and put in an access code to let me use the computer while I waited. He came over often to make sure I was ok, and he showed me to the office kitchen where he offered me any drink I could imagine. Everything was in abundance and I knew that the corporation he worked for was making big bucks. Since I knew he was this great computer techie, I was scared for him to go back and trace my steps, so I went on to shopping sites because I knew it was neutral. I mean, this place was high-tech guys, and he was some big hot-shot computer genius so I wasn’t taking any chances.
I waited what seemed like forever. We finally left almost 2 hours later. We decided to take the 2 train to 72nd Street and go to BBQ‘s because the place I wanted to go was far and it was late. Of course he drank even more there. I had finally gotten a glimpse of one thing I didn’t like, and knew would be a problem. He was a drinker. He abused alcohol and I was witnessing it first hand.
Nevertheless, he was so sweet, sexy and romantic. Even though I pleaded to at least let me pay for the tip, he refused. He was making a ton of money and he knew my income was nowhere near his. We hopped back on the train and once on the platform, he didn’t care who was watching us. He would hug me, grab my butt and rub my back. Me being prudish, pushed him off as much as possible. By the time we got to Times Square, he was all over me. As we got to the platform for the A,C and E trains, he drew me in close to him. We were leaning on a bar, and though people surrounded us, he reached down and gave me the sweetest kiss I have ever experienced in my life, thus far. I felt like a princess, and his kiss was so gentle and full of passion. I will never forget that kiss. Then of course, he kissed my forehead and told me how much he liked me. He was intoxicated! I smiled and soaked it all in. I actually felt special and he made sure to call me before I even got home. I was smitten.
Shortly after, the romance took a turn. He met in a car accident on his way home from seeing me one night and not having his car made him very angry. He began coping with drinking. His anger started coming out more often, and one day, he yelled at me over the phone, telling me he was so angry. I knew then that things were not the same. He told me he needed space and that he had tons of issues to work out.
To this day, he claims I am the last girl he had talked to, or dealt with. He’s celibate now (so he claims) and claims that it’s helping him focus on other things because he was a sex addict. I guess I was the first girl who never gave it up to him. We still remain friends and keep up with each other, but I had to distance myself from him. The whirlwind had come full circle and I didn’t want to get hurt again.
After him, I spent a long time with myself. Last year July, I met a guy that was sexy as all hell. He was about 6 feet tall, dark-skinned, and had the most beautiful body I had ever seen. He was and still is a psychologist, and was a track star athlete in his college days. He was just one year older than I, so we could relate to a lot of things, but we didn’t have too much in common. He was immediately smitten with me. I found him on Facebook after meeting him again at a party of a friend that turned out to be his relative. He messaged me right after getting the request and asked me out to dinner. We were more like hot and heavy, but there was something missing. He had no swag and that deeply bothered me. He was a doormat and a dweeb and though he tried so hard to create an outer appearance that would make you want to lick chocolate off his entire body, he was so boring that you’d fall asleep before you even got to his ankles.
The first date should have been the last but my friends kept thinking that I wasn’t given him a chance. I didn’t follow my heart (remember when we spoke about listening to the spirit?) and I wound up paying for it. He kept pleading for me to be his girlfriend, and he started annoying me after we had our first kissed. He was like two different people, because around me, he was always nervous and would openly tell me that I made him nervous, but on the phone and through texts, he was bold. Eventually, after having him over for Thanksgiving and knowing he was not the one, I let him go gently. He got a new job and I got a new perspective on what I wanted, and it wasn’t him.
All the money he made went to his mother and sister. They both used him terribly and he lacked backbone to tell them anything. With his salary, he could live on his own, pay his own bills, and still have his car and money left over, but he obviously needed the comforts of his mom and sister. They always called like a million times when he was out with me. They would barge into his room whenever I was there. Total and utmost disrespect. I’m so glad I stopped talking to him. He still calls and I rarely ever answer. It’s hard to believe that I allowed him to go down on me in the backseat of his car. He was always craving me, and I guess I liked that, but of course, the whirlwind had to come full circle. He was cheap as hell. He never wanted to pay for anything for me, and he had no desire to spend his last dollars on me. His obsession with football and basketball caused him to forget tons of dates he would arrange, and simple things like picking me up from the train station became an issue for him because his sister always wanted to use his car. One day, he admitted to me that he’d love to take me away to Virginia and he would get a place for us and I wouldn’t have to work, but that he was embarrassed that he was always broke. Well that’s what happens when you pay your able-bodied mother’s mortgage, house phone bill, utilities, cell phone bills, and buy groceries. You know what guys, the broke thing didn’t bug me as much as the doormat thing. I just stopped calling after our first real argument. He picked me up to take me to get a book I needed and decided to throw in all his plans to spend a whole day with me, but when I reminded him that I couldn’t be out all day, he got angry and started arguing. That was it for me.
Before him, I had been talking to a guy that was and still is in the same faith as I am. As a singer, and one of the best singers I’ve heard in a long time, he and I immediately clicked. We were the same age, and we had a lot of the same mutual friends. Shortly after I ditched the psychologist, I decided to pick up this church guy, now donned as Mr. Yesterday. You guys read about him, but for the most part, he and I got hot and heavy pretty quickly. He claims he fell in love with me. I really liked him.
Our first date was interesting. I told him to meet me at my favourite lounge, Le Caire, for hookah. We didn’t drink alcohol. We just did hookah and spent an amazing evening together. He kissed me out of the blue as soon as we sat down. I wasn’t expecting it, and when he did it, he was shocked that I would have kissed him back. We made out the entire time. I knew it was all downhill when he went down on me one day. I ditched a class and headed to Brooklyn and once in his place, he begged and pleaded. I thought he could handle it, but clearly, he couldn’t. The next day he said how bad he felt. Shortly after, I cut him off. Last week he sent me a text telling me he was thinking about me. Then he saw my cousin at a church affair on Saturday and asked for me. He sent a message on Facebook stating that he feels weird going to sleep now without hearing my voice. That whirlwind came full circle, but I was too hurt to ever make things work. See all old Mr. Yesterday blogs to really understand what I’m talking about.
Mr. Secret was the final straw.
I’m not what happened with him, but I started feeling a strong connection. I was drawn to him, like a magnet, whenever it was just the two of us, but he clearly did not feel the same. Recently, a kiss he initiated caught me off guard, but showed me that I was slowly developing feelings for him, and this time, it was not mutual, or so I believe, because he never said anything to me. He could tell me whenever he physically wanted me, but he never communicated his feelings to me ever, so I have to believe that there was nothing there on his end. For the first time, I allowed someone to kiss me that had no feelings for me. The whirlwind had come full circle.
I realized that for every kiss and for every night of fun when a guy goes down on me, I’ve wound up in a whirlwind. God has spoken to me so many times, and I’ve rebelled each time. Last night, I realized that I’ve lost more than just great guys, but friends. Now I know within my heart, that I’m supposed to be single. God has work to do on me, while I seek to live vicariously through the lives of these broken men, causing myself so much pain. I live for the danger and the excitement. I live for something new and exhilarating. I want to be liberated!…
… but I can’t. God says not yet. God says, there is work to be done and miracles to be performed within you and you can’t be consumed with anyone or anything else but me. Today I’m listening. Today, I’m stepping away, accepting that this is not worth it. What hurts the most about Mr. Secret, more than losing a friendship, is that if he had tried to pursue me and he did so honestly, regardless of all the extras, he would have succeeded. I would have given him my heart and possibly sacrificed God working in me, until Mr. Secret and I became a dangerous whirlwind.
What hurts the most is that Mr. Secret was goal oriented. He sacrificed our friendship and then cut me off when he got tired of answering my questions. He could have simply said “yes” or “no” to end my questioning mind, but instead, he shut down on me. It was in that moment that I realized that I must stay to myself and believe that I must stay pure. Even though we never went to bed, we ruined our friendship. How sad is that? Well, I heard the still small voice and I’m heeding…
I’m just really hurt this time around, but maybe it was my fault for expecting a different solution from the same whirlwind?
Part 2 soon to come