Yves Saint Laurent Glossing

This morning, I got up feeling a bit grouchy. I put on my favourite Yves Saint Laurent lip gloss, and still, no change. I mean I feel hot, but not flawless. I think we all know about those days when everything is perfect but your own spirit. Everything is the way it’s supposed to be, or at least, as good as it could possibly be. The sun is shining, the green grass glitters along the freshly manicured lawns. The air feels amazing when you breathe it in. Your hair, skin and nails have all managed to come together. The cologne or perfume you’ve sprayed actually clings to your skin and you occassionally get a soft taste of it and you feel pretty damn good about your own accomplishments because you’ve been taking care of your body for so long and most days, you wonder if you will ever reap the benefits. The sun kisses your skin on this day, and every step you take feels like the angels are suspending you in mid air. All these wonderful things, and one thing just ruins it.

I have got to stop this. Today, the skies are blue and the clouds are fluffy and white, appearing to be spoons of whipped cream carefully crafted by God, and yet, my own heart feels so heavy. I’ve prayed. I earnestly went to God several times this morning but I guess if I don’t want to let go of this feeling, it will never go away.

I told you guys before that my mind can dwell on something forever. It’s disgusting. I wonder what I could have done to change things, why am I being treated like a pos, how can I fix it, and where did oi first mess up. My mind wanders into places it should never ever go.

I want to blame my cramps and PMS for all that’s taken place in my life on my end. I don’t want to take full responsibility for this emotional whirlwind I’m encountering. Everything that scares me has an expiration date. Everything I don’t want to face that may be a bit of hard work, like a relationship or a 10 page paper makes me cringe, but I know I can’t run away forever. I have to accept that somethings, no matter how long I avoid them, will never go away unless I address them. Ugh…

Sigh…

A heavy heart…

Carmen xoxo

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