I get bored and lose interest in most things very quickly. It takes a lot for me to stick with a hobby or a trade I’ve learned. I pick up on things like knitting scarves and finger knitting bracelets, putting up websites and teaching children how to draw bunny rabbits around easter time. Rarely do I ever stick with these things all year round and try to profit from them, though I could in many ways. Anything crafty and artistic will be my cup of tea, but not year round. There is still one thing that holds me and captivates me, year long, and hopefully, lifelong. I love music.

I love to sing, listen to jazz, hang with musicians and I enjoy the company of other singers. I am infatuated with music, I lust after it til the wee hours of the night until I make my ears sick, feeding myself on lyrics and compositions. I used to read music so well, until I stopped playing my piano, and the guitar is so different that I cannot begin to talk about all that goes into the frets and the chords and the strings and fingering. When my ability to be around a positive environment that re-enforces my love for music is threatened, I want to scream. Nothing makes me happier than the sound of my voice harmoniously dancing along the rythm of the base, the drums, the keyboard, the organ, while the other singers dance too, their own melodic genius.

Can I get back something that has already been lost. Can I get myself back? I found out that I’ve also lost myself in the past few months, trying to please others, while my vision has gone far from me. I’ve let everyone else have their own way, and though I’ve tried holding most outrageous desires back, I can’t hold off anymore. Everyone wants to be in control and I’m tired of fighting a losing battle by myself. Maybe this is for my greater good? I don’t know, but I’ve given up and I’ve given it to God.

Church has become too political. It has become less about worship and more about who gives the most money, and who we are trying to please rather than our purpose as God’s people. I’m tired of the propaganda. When I go to a church now, I’m in and out. In and out and I got my praise on and I had my fellowship and I’m on the way back home.

I’ve had enough of the foolishness.

Carmen xoxo


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