Vent

A post a day keeps the shrink away… at least… that’s what I say…

…But that’s what makes the world go ’round
The ups and downs a carousel
Changing people’s heads around
Go underground young men
People make the world go ’round…

So I guess I’m learning how to ignore people. I’m learning to be just a little selfish. It’s difficult for me because most people just assume that I have it all and I want for nothing. I guess I blame that damn “independent woman” syndrome? It would be nice to get treated to a dinner or movie or even a… drum roll please… nice drink at a “spot”, (it would be nice for someone to want to get me drunk) or take the time to find my spot. That’s for another blog I guess… teeheeheeeee. What am I kidding… I’m celibate. Nobodies getting a chance… not even a little close. I guess I just want someone to take the initiative. Ask Carmen what she wants for once.

I can’t lie. I have some amazing friends. At the beginning of the semester this year, a friend of mine sent me a check for ninety-nine bucks (and I love the fact that it was 99 because 9 is my favourite number, along with 2 others) Anyway, I digress. It basically payed for a 90 buck book for an English class. All she asked was that I pay it forward. I want to pay it forward everyday. Simple things to us could be big for the person we do them for. I like simple things, like the phone call that is just meant to find out if I’m still alive, or the early morning text that says I love you. I even appreciate the card that cost 99 cents but has the most amazing message (that I would obsessively read, blinking my eyes all the while to make sure the words are really on the page).

Me, me, me!!! Can I get something for once? Can I be the one on the receiving end? Can I get the hugs and kisses and adoration? Can I get the love, affection and back massages? Can I get the thing I’ve wanted that I thought no one was paying attention to when I mentioned it (that is, if I ever mention anything I want)? Can I get my heart’s desires? I guess everyone is not entitled to such riches. Maybe I need to be more vocal?

Do I not electrify your friggin’ soul? Do I not tangle a sticky web in your head that doesn’t give way when you try to flash me off before you go to sleep? Do I not tear through the flesh of your heart and pierce my way through the core, becoming your center? Oh yeah, that’s right… I’m not that special…

Carmen xoxo

PS- you know how everyone usually has an arch nemesis, enemy, foe? Well I stand alone. I don’t compare. I don’t match up and I accept that my foe is the one you all love. Take her, love her, and hold her high above me today. When she disappoints you, pray that she will find you and remind you why you loved her. Never lose faith in her. Engulf your thoughts in her and live vicariously in her dreams. Believe in her without ceasing and praise her greatness.

Let me stand in the shadows, in the background. Let me sing for you and receive no great applause. Let me tear a song to pieces and never tell me that God is pleased. Let me give you my entire being each week, and leave me weak… leave me faint and with migraines that you cannot fix. Leave me so that when I’ve broken and you cannot sop the juices up or revive me, I’m truly done. Let me lay in darkness because I like it better here where no one cares about me and if I go tomorrow, all you can say was that I was such a good girl.

I’m not a girl and I’m not good and I’m drained and I’m dripping and all my juice is almost gone and when it’s over, you can continue to give her all the praises because I was always in the shadows and I never really existed in the first place.

Carmen xoxo

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