A Cry For Help

I did it. I finally stopped denying myself and I made an appointment with a psychologist to get therapy. Years ago, when I attended Buffalo State College, I majored in Psychology. It was there that I learned that most psychologists also see a psychologist. I eventually changed my major to English upon moving back to New York, even though I was pretty close to graduating with a B.A. in Psychology. I did it because it caused me more pain than anything, and it tortured me to memorize all these things that I felt did not nurse my soul, or edify me. A good book though? Man, a good book could heal me.

I have an early appointment. It’s very early, but I think that’s good. I want to cry and get it all out before my weekend begins. I like the cognitive aspect of therapy. Talk to me, ask me questions, but don’t ‘scribe me with nothing! Ha! Talk therapy is very effective. For the past 4 months, I’ve been talking to you guys, and it helps so much just to release. I love it, and I love you guys for taking my thought into consideration so much that you take the time out read, and invest a portion of your lives to me.

This time, I’m taking it hard. Mr. Yesterday’s actions have really left me a bit distraught. I know 8 months is not enough to get to know someone, but neither is a lifetime.

I am overwhelmed. I always want to cry, and sometimes, it comes upon me when I don’t expect it. I may stand at a station when tears engulf my eyes. I may stand under the shower head when they fly wildly, or even at my desk, or even as I dress for class. I am overcome with emotion. I have been so overcome that I’ve lied and excused myself at a rehearsal to “use the restroom”, only to rid myself of the awful tears and the lump that’s risen in my throat. I am far from all smiles. It is the time I smile that inside I am reminded of what a terrible liar I am… it’s a pity because I smile, but within me, a huge unhappy feeling wrestles my clouded judgment. It’s not ok to keep covering it up. I pass the days as if none were different from the next. The Church has this perception that people don’t need to speak about their problems. Bear your cross with delight because the burden you share with others may in fact turn them from Christianity. Well I disagree with that. I think that’s why God made prayer. He wants us to speak to Him, and sharpen one another.

I believe the best part of my situation with Mr. Yesterday is the fact that I have booked my appointment. Wish me luck and God’s grace?

Carmen xoxo

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