I Need More Time

I was fine this morning until I got in the shower. I’m not sure why the thought of my ex surged forward, but once he did and I thought about our last parting argument, I started crying. I tried to hold it in, but a few whimpers parted my lips. I really thought I was over the pain.

I didn’t tell you guys about the last argument because it was actually the worse argument we had ever had. I think all the arguments in the past were bad, but there was always a window of opportunity left open for us speaking again. I never knew who would call, or which one of us would apologize, but I had always known it would come.

Actually, now that I think about it, today is the 11th and this makes it one month exactly since we spoke. I am hurt. I am distraught by his words. Never did I think he was capable of saying such terrible things to me. We had gone through a lot in the past, but the things he said, I couldn’t even tell any of my closest friends. I just kept it within.

I do need more time to process all of this.

I do feel used. How do you propose to some twice in your relationship, get close to their family, allow them to become close to your family, form a life with them and then turn around say anything to hurt them and end your relationship. I wonder now if any part of our relationship was real, or if he wanted to hurt me by saying what he did to me. I wonder if he ever really cared about my feelings. I think the worst part about all this is our inability to talk this one out. I lied and told him I changed my number and so he stopped calling unknown. I was still angry at that time. Right now, I know the pain I feel in my hurt is just the consequences of my actions. He was a big red flag and I continued. I was in love. I still have a piece of love in my heart. I wish it weren’t there, but I guess that’s the unfortunate thing about love. You really can’t help it. Coulda, shoulda, woulda. I can’t change the past. We are over. I’m in pain. He has happily moved on with his life and I’m quite sure, knowing him, he is not thinking about me. He has a way of just brushing everything off and moving on. I can dwell forever…

I’m thinking about Mr. New Guy and how this affects us. He has really been working on establishing a friendship, and so have I, but I think I’ve been pushing things far just to get him to give up. I guess I just want to be able to say that I’ve tried to allow love into my life without actually doing it.

I want my ex back. I can’t believe I feel this way, but I do. I feel like he is the only person that truly understood me. How many others are there like that in this world, that truly understand us?

I thought I was passed all of this?

Carmen xoxo

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