Godmother

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Check out my baby girl! My Goddaughter looks like an angel! She is…

I like kids. I love good, well behaved kids. I adore sweet kids that don’t give too much trouble and mouth off, but even if they do, I still love them, because I know they’re kids, and it’s up to us to show them the right way, they way someone showed us.

I’ve never had a tug at the heart strings though. Not even after I became a Godmother on January 2nd. Some women get it later on in their lives, I guess. I’m not feeling any way about not being married or having a bunch of strollers to push around a park on a beauiful spring day. I’m not ready yet.

I know a lot of this comes from what my parents have taught me. “Don’t have kids until you can provide for them”, or “don’t have kids if you don’t have patience”, and the best one of all, “don’t have kids if you’re not prepared to make a sacrifice”. I’m not ready yet.

I know I’m getting older and that I should have an idea of when I want kids or how it will be for me, but I have never given it much thought. I wish I could be this way with every aspect of my life, with a sort of nonchalant shrug, but I’m not planning anything right now. I may never have kids and I’m cool with that. I know. I know. Get over the initial shock that I’ve said that. I’m not a monster. I just really don’t see myself with children and I never have. I really don’t feel anything when I think about possibly having my own. I do think about adoption from time to time though. I do think about taking care of a child that needs love that did not come from me. That gives me a good feeling. I have a lot of love to give.

I don’t want to carry a person inside of me just yet. I want to be selfish for a few more years and enjoy myself. I don’t want to belong to anyone, and vice versa. It’s a huge committment and as you have all seen, I have huge committment issues.

Now I’m not saying in the next five years I won’t ever change my mind. Don’t get me wrong. It is certainly possible. I think the right person has to come along. I think I have to be in a happy place and that comes from within, and it’s a mindset. I could possibly wind up having three kids and two dogs, a fish tank, and a husband, but I really don’t give it thought.

A lot of my friends are getting married and having kids. A lot of them are totally overwhelmed and upset that they never have a life anymore, but how did that happen? A lot of my friends are rushing and stressing about not being old when they have kids. I would love to run around and chase after my children, but hey, guess what? I don’t run around now, so chances are, much won’t change. I guess it’s just that I’m not interested in it the way I’m interested in art, or reading, or writing. Kids are no joke!

I think every baby deserves to be brought into a world where their parents are two loving, happy, proud people. The parents need to be on one accord, whether or not they are together. Children should not have to fill a void. Children should not have to be broken down. Environment and the living situation is important. Love and proper nurturing is important. Money is important. Family and support and a peaceful environment is important. There are so many aspects of it. I think if more people gave themselves time, and didn’t have kids just because it was an “accident”, we would see a difference. Even if it was an accident though, it isn’t impossible to be a good parent and grow a healthy, happy child.

Did you know that the way a child grows is impacted by how they were created. Children that a created by rape, or by “accident” (sporadically), & children that were not planned have been linked to having more ailments like asthma and disorders like A.D.D. check the studies because I haven’t come to tell you all a lie.

It’s something to think about. Planning a life is what I want to do. I really don’t want to do it out of peer pressure (not that I would ever because as I said, I’m not nearly interested), or because I didn’t use protection. I sure as hell don’t want to be a statistic.

Regardless of which, I’m a Godmother now, and I think that this little life that I will have a say so with is an angel. I am happy to be seen as someone who can nurture her and I have so much love for her already. It’s crazy, because I really didn’t expect to feel this way about her, but I really do love her more than I can explain. She’s my baby girl, and should anything happen, God forbid, to her awesome parents, she will probably become my resposibility. I know I’ll do a good job though. I mean hey, they must have seen something in me to entrust me with such a great title, right?

I just want things to be different with me.

Carmen xoxo

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