Who Am I Kidding?

I am sitting, on yet, another train. I almost missed it. It was awful. I ran and now I’m perspiring in the winter’s cold chill breathing in the icy air. It stings.

We weren’t meant to survive in the cold.

It’s 21° degrees in New York today, and the high is supposed to be 30°. I’m not impressed, but I can’t complain. This year, I have a great winter coat that keeps my very warm. Yeaterday, I thought about all the people that don’t have a proper coat. This winter was harsh. I am thankful for the things I do have.

I was thinking about combat boots this morning and how popular they became this year. I wanted a pair, but somehow, it didn’t work out that way. I became engrossed in some Steve Madden boots called TROOP and also a pair of Madden Girl boots with a zipper going up the back. Right now, I’m not even in a position to splurge, and I’m taking it as a blessing and not a curse. I’ve been learning to improvise and make use of the things I already have, whether they be old or very old. I’m not even doing the treat every week anymore. I used to treat myself every week on Fridays, to one new thing. I’m saving the 20 bucks I would normally spend on a top. I’d like to start seeing money add up.

We weren’t meant to be so broke.

I do think I’m recovering from a serious shopping addiction. I would invest in clothes, shoes, books, and costume jewelry heavily, but now, as time goes on, I see that the money I spend on those things are wasted because they never last long, or look good forever. I’ve found stores like Forever21 that allows me to make cheap purchases on items that look very similar to things found in a boutique or big named city store like Top Shop, where prices are for those that can afford to spend no less than 100 bucks on one item. I was using shopping to help me cope. It became a drug that made me feel good until I used the item. If I wore the blouse, it was old. I would have to get a new one. I found myself giving away bags of clothes EVERY MONTH, all the while, still managing to pay for my tuition, help the rents out with whatever they needed and help out around the house. I couldn’t possibly keep up the facade. Who was I kidding? I was just a broke college student trying really hard to live the American Youth Dream: look hott, acquire things, then try to look even hotter than the day before, by any means. I had to get real.

We weren’t meant to be so superficial.

I believe I have about five bills in my wallet right now. Yesterday I tried out some boiled chicken lemongrass dumplings with a fellow student and we split the cost. You would be surprised how bad you will feel spending three dollars when you know you’ve only got 8 to your name. Three dumplings were not worth 3 dollars. Oh well. I already ate them, yesterday, so no worries.

We weren’t meant to worry about every little thing.

I’m quite sure this wasn’t what I wanted to talk about, but when I remember, I’ll let you guys know.

Carmen xoxo

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