Lucky Me

This March, the issue of Lucky Magazine stinks. I feel like I wasted $3.50 + tax because there really isn’t anything good in there. I know everyone is entitled to a bad month, but this one was really bad. I wasn’t inspired at all. Maybe I shouldn’t look for inspiration in a fashion magazine.

On a brighter note, I think I’m finally getting somewhere with this guy. Why is being loved and true happiness the essential essence of what we all hope to achieve? I wish I knew why we search for things that are created within. Needless to say I am scared. He knows I am too. He said he wants to take this really slow because it feels like it’s getting somewhere. I want…

Who the hell am I kidding?! I have no clue what I want. I don’t know whether I like him, the idea of him, or just the way it feels when we are together, even though we are just talking. I’m scared that he might be the one. I really don’t want to throw him away, but I still haven’t traveled or started teaching yet. I haven’t lived.

I’m not sure why I still associate being in a relationship with dying, because I thought once you know why you do something, you should stop. I spent some time with an older “sister” yesterday and she said that she sees I personally sabotage my love life by pushing others away. She also said she knows I’m scared to be happy. Though I denied it to the very end, I knew she was right. It’s easier to expect bad things when you have been conditioned to always expect bad things. Of course I would love to have long, lasting relationships with friends, family and significant others. I just don’t enjoy having rug snatched out from under my foot (“GOTCHA”)!

Eh! We’ll see where this is headed. I do know one thing. I like him.

Carmen xoxo

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