WARNING: this is an old blog I found in my archive of things not published. Just expext that it’s old and all of this happened some time in Early October 2010. Since then, I think I’ve made quite a headway, mentally, with respects to love and my ex. Anyway, it’s still a great reader.
Today, I started out listening to William DeVaughn’s “Be Thankful (For What You’ve Got)”. I put myself in a good mood. I was fine until I allowed my mind to snowball. I must admit, I thought about my ex. It started out with a simple “he really isn’t going to call me”? Eventually, it concluded with “he must have moved on and found someone new and better than me. I must be the world’s worse woman. Maybe I’m too nice and I got trampled on? What kind of person will I be in a relationship? I must be too soft! I should be mean because men love bitches”. Now I just feel a bit down.
It’s not that I want to be here in this place again. I just can’t understand how I keep getting here. I thought I was moving past this place of pain, anger and confusion. I’m so sick and tired of feeling sad. I don’t want one person to have such an effect on me that they can alter my entire mood and affect the way I deal with the remainder of my day!
I am reaching back for my happiness. I’m going to see Nicki Minaj. I know I shouldn’t, but what the hey! You know what? I don’t even know all her songs, or most of the words, but it’s something to do besides go home and cuddle with Eddy’s butter pecan. I just want to live a little.
So I’m stopping in the city for a night of Nicki Minaj at a signing, and I am okay with that. I’m learning to let go of expectations too. I’m not hoping that my prince charming will run up to me and say “I’ve been looking for you”, throwing his arms around me and passionately kissing me. Actually, that would be scary. I think that may be the last way I expect to find my “man”.
I’m remaining hopeful that he is out there though. People have the bs statement that when you don’t look for him, he will find you. Well what is he is saying “when I don’t look, she will find me”. Well if nobody is looking, how the hell are we supposed to find each other?!
I say, keep your eyes opened, but your mind focused on other things. Focus your heart primarily on love and allow yourself to put that out and receive it. I’m not there yet, but when I get there, I will tell you how it goes. Womp womp.