Present To Myself

This year has totally zoomed by. Honestly guys, it’s unreal how fast this year zipped through. I know a lot of you have thought about it too. I find myself confusing things that happened in 2009 with this year, because 2009 really didn’t seem so long ago. WEIRD! Anywho… so I was trying to think about what I wanted for Christmas. Every year, for the past few years, I have not received a thing for Christmas and to make matters worse, I tell everyone to skip buying me gifts AND THEY LISTEN! Sigh. Well hey, what can I expect? I don’t think anyone really knows me that well to understand that when I say “don’t even bother to buy a gift…not even a gift card, prepaid card or cash… save your money” that really means I WOULD LOVE PREPAID MASTERCARD‘S AND PERFUME AND LOTION AND EVEN SEXY UNDERWEAR!! For goodness sakes people! I’m a woman! This is how most of us think! We don’t tell you about things we like just for the heck of it! We pray that when we speak, you retain some information and show us you’ve listened by actually giving us what we want! Sheeeeesh! Does anyone listen anymore?

The one excuse I’ve been using, which is actually true, is that I’m broke as all hell and due to the current economic situation our country is faced with, I have no money for Christmas shopping. I maaaaaaaaaaay get my little brother some skinny jeans, because he’s been dying, but that is it! I’ve already gotten my Dad something and I know my Mom wants cash, so trust and believe that that is all folks! Sorry. I’ve wasted so much money on gifts and giving money, and most people and children were beyond ungrateful, so guess what? My hard earned money is not going to some grouch with a sense of entitlement. You better believe that nobody is getting a thing from me this year. Nobody! Noooooooooooobody!!! NOBODY!!

And I don’t feel bad at all. I don’t feel guilty. I don’t feel like I’ve wronged anyone. I normally do things out of the kindness of my heart all year round. It doesn’t take a holiday like Christmas to push me into getting gifts. No sir-eeeeeeee. Nope.

The only gift that I want this year is something only I can give to myself. I want to try and be more present, no pun intended, in my own life. I want to bring myself back to center more. I find that I zone off into lala land way to much and maybe if I could remember how long I do this, I would be able to add up the countless hours that I should have been utilizing doing something. I could have been making my life more worthwhile, instead of zoning out and dancing in the light of reverie. Sometimes, I’m not even daydreaming, and that’s the worst part about it all. If I were daydreaming about some hunk that looks like Ryan Gosling or Trey Songz, or even a guy with long locks with no shirt on, giving me a back massage, I would feel a little accomplished. That wouldn’t be too bad, you know? I could write that down as leisure, but what I am talking about is completely zoning out with absolutley no thought. I used to make myself go there when I was younger, but now, I slip off at anytime, and I don’t even realize when I do it anymore. It was mylittle imaginary world in my mind. Am I the only one that sees something is wrong with drawing a blank for 10 minutes or more? Nothing got done and I put a blank spot in my “life line”.

Think back to when you were in high school and you had to do those reports on someone famous and they had a time line, and you had to highlight their achievements in the year they were accomplished. My time line, or in this case, life line, would have little blank spot because I zoned out all over the place. What began as a coping mechanism to blank out the arguing or people at home or school or work, became this mastered shade of grey in my life. It became the ultimate go to place for me, and it’s not as good as I thought it once was. As I get older, I see that I need to be more present, longer and more often. I didn’t understand it before, until I heard a celebrity say that was her resolution for 2011. I will have to be disciplined and make a concerted effort, but it’s possible.

I’ll keep you guys posted.

Carmen xoxo

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One thought on “Present To Myself

  1. Juju aka Jus says:

    I totally agree with you *on one point*. I need to be more present in my life, as far as taking better care of myself, and being more involved in my life, instead of others’. I will however continue to daydream. I think some of my best thoughts and ideas are birthed through daydreams. *I’m sure some of yours are too* As far as presents go…I’m always dissappointed on Christmas Day. I’ve come to accept it *sad :(* I usually get gifts for myself, after Christmas, when everything’s on sale. Christmas is not about receiving gifts anyway, although we’ve come to expect them just the same. So, You can definitely expect a gift–or two!–from me 😉

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