Holding On To You

Strangely enough, today, I don’t want to talk about holding on to anyone. I’m a little overwhelmed. I’d rather talk about something that has absolutely nothing to do with my title. Maybe eventually I’ll get back to that whole thing.

I have to update my resumé and it’s driving me CRAZY! Absolutely mad. I really despise it and I don’t know why. Well I guess it’s time for me to explore my feelings. Maybe I have conditioned myself to equivelate this bloody resumé with a great change in my life, one that forces me to propel further, out of my complacent comfort zone. For the past month, I have done everything to avoid it. I have even watched television and cleaned up around my living space. Unbelievable.

Maybe it’s not that bad, you know? I know everyone is wondering why I’m still here. Shouldn’t I be working on moving forward. Well, as you guys can see, I’m not too great at this whole MOVING ON thing. Like, I try, honestly, I do, but sometimes I just give in when it gets too hot. Unfortunately, I forsee having to just sit down and do the damn thing. It’s just a matter of when. Ugh.

I find myself daydreaming about a hot air balloon ride. I’ve never been on one, but I would love to go. Tackle my fear of heights. Suspend myself in mid air, putting my trust in an inanimate object that breathes fire. Would be nice, don’t you think? I made the mistake of saying it out loud in front of my father, and of course, he started up about how “crazy” and “mad” I am, and how “stupid” that is. I should have flipped him the bird, but I ignored him, as usual. He’s not the only one.

I’ve been isolating myself again lately. I haven’t been in the mood much for people and things. Yeah yeah I know I’m moody! I’m snappy too. Yes I was just the same person that spoke about not complaining. I’m still trying to be positive and happy. Sometimes, for me to accomplish that free feeling, I have to go deep inside myself, with music, or sleep. Sometimes, even an episode of Wendy Williams helps to get me to that happy place. It isn’t easy, you know? Being me. It’s not simple. I’m sure it’s not easy being you either, but everyday, we’ve got to step out in faith and put a smile on our faces.

As I sat on the train this morning, I pondered on why the man that claims to love me the most, treats me so badly. I wondered where it all came from, when things started to change, and how I became a contributing factor by accepting what I was given. Our distance is my doing, because if I don’t see a change in spirit, I refuse to move forward. I wish we could choose who we love. One thing I know is LOVE DOESN’T HURT. It feels amazing, which is why we all long for it, fight for it, and sometimes even die for it.

I am at a crossroads, praying for a sign. I’ll keep you posted.

Carmen xoxo

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