I began this blog because this question was haunting me for days now and I needed to figure out: why is it that men play so many games?
We are in a day and age where everyone seems to be looking for love, or at least someone for the holidays. Though it would seem so simple, things always get complicated. Are there any happy people out there anymore??? I mean wow! You hear some stories and you just have to wonder! What ever happened to honesty, faithfulness, and unconditional love? Whatever happened to communication, compassion and sincerity? It seems to me that these things have been replaced with sex, lust, infatuation, infidelity, lies, hardened hearts, a lack of patience, and down right fraud. People are so fake! Even the true desire to love is warped.
As this year 2010 comes to a close, I look at all that I have gone through. As everything appeared to be going downhill for me, I had to wonder. Every eligible bachelor had a motive for wanting to be with me, or in my company. It was either that I was beautiful, I was thick, I was funny, or that they had just gotten out of a relationship and they wanted to have fun. No one had a genuine heart. It made me search deep within to understand my own M.O. “Why Carmen”, I asked myself, “do you want to be in a relationship”? I searched deep within and found my answer. My need to be in a relationship was driven by a very selfish void. I wanted to be “loved” because I didn’t want to be lonely and I missed the feeling of being in love. When you look at it that way, you can see why every great guy I met was not the one for me. I was being totally and utterly selfish. More than even the desire to be loved was the need for attention that I felt I wasn’t getting enough of. It was all about me, me, me and what I, I, I wanted. I begin to listen to people more, and I didn’t feel so alone. A lot of people have selfish reasons for wanting to be in a relationship. I guess once I realized this, it was hard for me to want it so much again. I decided that I would have to find a new channel, in order to fill the void. I am working on my relationship with my Dad. It’s the most difficult thing I have ever tried to do, more difficult than having patience with my hair! I am also focusing on my relationship with my Heavenly Father, and getting a grip of what I would like to do with my life. I have a ton of things that I dream of doing, and goals I have yet to accomplish. I want to do these things before I even think about being with someone else.
Being single is not a bad thing. I’ve grown to love it. I have learned so much about myself that I hadn’t known before, and I still have a long way to go. I think that carrying baggage is so harmful to a relationship. In a previous blog, I spoke about the correlation between parents and children, and the impact they have on their childrens lives. I spoke about how this impact on a child’s life can carry through into their adulthood, and affect the way they are in life, and in their relationships with other people.
I decided that it would be better to have friendships. Out of one friendship, I learned that I have unresolved issues with my Dad. I wish we had a better relationship where we could communicate, and I could say how I feel and he could just respect that I can’t always agree with him, or be submissive. I wind up fighting a lot with guys because I’m always trying to be in control, fearing that I may become submissive and wind up with someone like my Dad. If I didn’t have this time to myself, I wouldn’t have realized how jealous I become when I see a man treating his daughter like a princess and giving them attention because I didn’t get that. You learn a lot when you’re single.
My singlehood has given me clarity. I want to love someone because I genuinely love them. I don’t want to run around searching for the next guy to keep my interest for a few months. I think that by knowing the reason why you may react a certain way, or treat people a certain way, you develop a power that will enable you to change things about yourself. You can see things within you that you may not like, or may cause a constant problem in your life, and just nip it in the bud or work on it. You may even need to speak to someone you can confide in, or seek professional counceling.
It really has nothing to do with being lonely. On contrare. We are never lonely because God is with us. As much as I would love to kick the lonely feeling, I have to embrace it. I have to be enough for myself or else I will have a difficult time in this life when I feel like I have no one. I’m at the stage where I am comfortable in my own skin, my own body, and my own world. I am not there 100% with being comfortable with my thoughts. It’s always a battle with yourself to stay positive, but I keep pressing on. I want to get to the stage where I’m just content within with myself. I hope to have a real love that isn’t full of fraud. Anyone can have a relationship, but to have a real love is a prize. That is something I would eventually like, whenever gthe time is set to be right. With all the fraudulent “relationships” going on nowadays, I know it becomes daunting for men and women alike. I know it seems as if there is no one out there that can be trusted, and that everyone has an ulterior motive. From all the men and women that share their stories with me, even I can become discouraged. You just have to have faith. A friend of mine once said that it’s unrealistic for every woman to have a man without sharing, and that women ought to learn how to share a man with other women. I believe it’s possible for one man to be committed to one woman, and vice versa.
We need to bring that back into the equation, into our lives, and into our homes. We need to practice being disciplined men and women. We need to treat people the way we want to be treated. We should not carry around our baggage, dumping our heavy loads on the next person that comes along, and expecting them to deal with it. We need to be fair. We need to be kind. We need to leave other people’s husband’s and wive’s alone and concentrate on self. We need to build up our self esteem and open ourselves to new, positive things. We need to base things off of how we are treated and not how good the sex is. That’s how a lot of people get caught up in a world of pain.
We have developed a mentally that says sex is fun, and it should not be taken seriously. If it can create a life, I believe it is serious. When did we all become so numb?
I love men. I love the way a man sweats after a good workout at the gym or playing basketball. I love the way a man shaves, and when he gets a shape up or haircut, and looks fresh to death. I love the way a man can make you do a double take because he has that swagger. I love the way a man’s cologne can have you asking a stranger what scent he is wearing because he smells MMMMMMMMMMMMM good! I even love the way a man will get angry and right when he’s about to yell, takes a look in your eyes and melts. I love the way a man turns the pages of his Bible and prays when he thinks no one is watching him. I thank God for men. The thing is though guys, I’m not going to kill myself to have one in my life. I’m not going to subject myself to anything. I know my worth.
We as women have forgotten our worth. We as women have played ourselves. We have lowered our standards. We have accepted and taken a lot of crap. We draw the lines, only to cross it. When do we draw the final line? When do we say enough is enough, and stand up for ourselves. It’s funny because you hear a lot about how black women are the least likely to find someone, especially out of their race. A lot of studies show that more and more, a black woman is not the hot commodity. They say that to be a black woman, searching for love in 2010 is pointless. I’m here to say hold your head up. This is not just to black women, but people in general. Yeah, we may need to not snap at everything, or learn how to let things go and be more peaceful, but I don’t think you should have to lower your standards to have a man in your life. I don’t think you should have to allow yourself to be treated like garbage just to say you have someone.
At the end of the day, how do you feel about being the other woman? Before you close you eyes tonight, how do you feel knowing that you are being treated like an animal? Aren’t you worth more? YOU ARE! Look at all the things you have to offer! Start doing the things you always wanted to do! Get in the gym! Get a new hairstyle and move forward! Never settle for less!
Always remember that you are worth the love you dream of.