Can I Just Be Me?

Ugh. I feel tormented today. I just can’t seem to get through the day. I’ve tried everything and I’m just praying that I can get home so that I can cry. I just feel so down and really lonely. Nobody can shake this feeling. Only I can truly understand, and the other people out there like me.

I don’t even know why I rebel from doing God’s work. It just seems so difficult, and I feel like I will never have my own life. Once I start, I know I will have to be an example, and I won’t be able to ride the fence, as I have been doing for all these years.

People think it’s easy to follow when you have been called by God to fullfill His purpose, destined by Him, and just the same on the other end of the spectrum. People think it’s just as easy to run away from the calling when you don’t think you amount to much, but either way, no matter where you turn, it’s not easy. Every day is a battle between you, yourself, and God. You wonder if you can ever handle what you know He expects of you. You plead with Him to just give up on you. You ask Him why He has such faith in you, and He just confirms that you are called.

I want to be able to say what I feel. I want to be able to enjoy my life in ways that I shouldn’t, because of my sinful nature. I want to just do me.

I can’t.

Funny enough, a slamming time for me is going to the movies. A great day for me is a walk in Central Park in the summer time, and a perfect everning out is a night strolling on the boardwalk, alone. I don’t need alcohol to bring out my personality, because I’ve been told that I can talk to a wall. I don’t need to be pissy drunk, leaning up against a wall, barfing, in order to be outside of myself. I don’t need a spliff to be happy. All of my joy comes from God.

I know I owe God so much. I keep asking Him for things like peace of mind, joy, an A in my English classes, and He grants all these things unto me. I guess I rebel because I’m scared. If I really step onto the path He has set out for me, I’ll be out of my comfort zone. I’ll start singing on the sumbways, and aggravating people, forcing them to turn up the volume on their ipods. I’ll start talking to young people that really don’t want to hear a thing I have to say because I’m not cool enough. I’ll become this person that has to take more responsibilites for her actions. I’ll have to give up my care free spirit that has protected me all this time. I’m scared.

I know that God can turn a zero into a hero. I know He’s amazing, and I don’t doubt that He can change me. Wow. I know all these things! I just become more and more disturbed by my own nature of complacency the longer I rebel. How long am I willing to keep up this charade? Why am I so non-chalant about being disciplined?

Why does following God mean that I have to be unhappy?

I’m not a perfect Christian. I think we can all gather that from my previous blogs. I get upset. I lack patience at times. I blow up on myself. I slip a curse word every once in a while. I get mad at God for hardening my heart. I am blunt. I can be callous and caustic and cruel. I’m angry A LOT. I deal with most of my feelings and problems by shutting down and zoning out. I’m far from a perfect Christian, but when looking at our negatives, aren’t we all? Show me a perfect Christian?

I forgive easily. I don’t hold grudges. I am nice beyond reason. I love to make people laugh and I will give the shirt off my back. I am compassionate. I’m a good listener, even if I may not remember what we spoke about the next day. I am honest. I love to enjoy the simple things and nature. To add to all this, I’m domesticated, but hey, this isn’t a dating ad! Ha! Sorry, I got carried away. Nevertheless, I say all this to say that I am a human being. I have flaws, but I also have so many positive traits that make me who I am.

So show me the perfect Christian?

I just wanted to kick this lonely feeling.

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