Today

Today is not such a good day for me. I’m feeling a bit down and out. I knew it was coming. I don’t know. I am practicing this whole “letting go” thing, because like Barry White said “practice what you preach”. I’ve come a long way, but I guess instead of looking out to see an unknown, blurred but hopeful future, I looked at my present surroundings and fell into my little pitty party pit.

My current situation is a bit frustrating for me. I feel that even though I know I have tons of people in my life that would love to listen to me, everyone wants to give me advice, and right now, I don’t want to hear what anyone else would do. It’s ironic that it’s too late for advice anyway. I just don’t want to get too deep with anyone about how I’m really feeling inside. A lot of my friends are under the assumption that because I may share stories with them about things that may have happened throughout the course of my day, that they know so much about me, but I think the best of me is hidden, safely tucked away where I can nurture and protect my own feelings. I find people to be so harsh, and because I am sensitive, I’d rather not allow anyone into this safe haven.

I have to protect my heart again.

I once opened up to someone and told her how I felt now that my ex is no longer in my life, and her reaction affirmed why I don’t speak on my feelings. I sort of professed my undying love, and she said that she had never heard me speak like that, and that it scared her. Well that really was my genuine feelings, but because I am always portraying a tough persona, I mislead a lot of folk. I sometimes get this overwhelming sadness because he is so much apart of me. Though he seems to have moved on perfectly fine, I am still stuck because I have a deep adoration for him. Regardless of anything he and I have gone through, we’ve managed to get over the hump and grow together. Circumstances that I don’t even think we both understand keeps us separated, but I strongly believe that it is for our good. I need to grow apart from him to remember who I am without him. Had I said these things to some of my friends, I would expect to see a blank stare, two or three blinks, and then a “righhhhhhhhhhhht”, followed by a “you need to kick that fool to the curb”. No! What I need is to be happy, and for you to just listen, and be there for me, and love me, even if I don’t do what you want me to. That’s what I need.

I would never tell anyone to leave someone. If the person is being beaten and abused, that’s a different story, but no real friend is going to tell someone to “kick him to the curb”. A real friend will listen and stick with you through the hard times and the good times. Love is crazy. Love can have you doing cartwheels, someone’s laundry, spending money, or drawing a line and crossing it every single time, but is it worth it?

I don’t regret anything that I have been through. I have learned so much. I really have. I have grown as a person, making my own mistakes. I can’t even say I would do things differently. Who’s to say different would have been better? Love can make you do crazy things, yes, but when you do things in love and it was because you loved someone, there is no sense in dwelling on what you did. That is love. I’m not mad at myself.

The love that is there may never go away. This young man was so different from anyone else, and his love was so amazing, but in the end, I learned that only God’s love is truly unconditional. I can’t sit there and ever say that I hate him. It saddens me that this is what we have come to. I’m left with memories to haunt me. I can go through my days, many days, and tghen one day, just when I am about to climb into my bed, the thought of him boldly steps forward into the projection of my mind’s eye. Of course he wasn’t perfect, but I usually like to think about the good times. That’s when I will send up a prayer for him and his family that I grew to love as well.

I don’t know why things are the way they are. I’m confused, but I am getting over it. Each day I get stronger. The worst part about all this though is that I can’t listen to certain types of songs, like Trey Songz “Can’t Be Friends”, because that’s what I had told him on Thanksgiving day. I can’t even begin to explain the pain I feel in my heart when I hear that song. Talk about heartbroken. Also, I don’t have anyone to talk to anymore. He became my best friend in a season when I needed him. When you’re in a relationship with someone you really love, you tend to talk to them and share things with them. He and I had great communication. He would call all throughout the day, whenever he could, and we would speak about everything and nothing. It felt strange that I couldn’t call him to tell him I was going to see Raheem DeVaughn. I knew if I had told him about that day, he would have had jokes for days.

He made my heart happy, but I know I have to get my own happiness. Maybe his season is over, and maybe it might come back. I have no clue what my future holds for me. I just know that happiness is written all over it. How do I know this? I know this because I declare it. I no longer depend on him as my source of joy. It was almost as if he was starting to take the place of my God, and that’s a BIG no no.

Well as it is, it’s been a week since I have heard from him, and it hurts, but I’ve got to move on somehow. I will be okay though. I feel so much better writing to you guys. I feel like a cloud has rolled back, and the Sun’s rays are now piercing through on me. I have hope that God will get me through this. I’m sticking to my faith and I’m asking God to direct my path, and give me peace of mind. I need my heart to mend and heal, and I want to allow the healing process to be completed before I jump into a new relationship. I don’t think that’s fair to the next person. I’ve come a long way, but I’m not 100% cured! Ha! I’ll be okay though. I am opened to love and being loved, and even giving love. When tghe time is right, God will do His thang!

xoxo
Carmen

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