Subside

After a lot of thinking, and a bit of talking about how I feel, I have to, once again, say how I feel. Now the reason I “went in” and said how I felt about the artist, Raheem DeVaughn, is because I have always been the person to keep in my feelings and keep my mouth shut. I rarely vent, and if I do, it would be to specific people, at specific times. My secretive nature allows me to also hold in a world of problems, and even turn things around on myself. I kept beating myself up, telling myself that it was my fault that he reacted that way, because I should have never asked him about that song, but then it hit me. I realized that I had no way of knowing that that original song was on the bootleg album if I didn’t buy it. Someone even went as far as saying that even if I did buy the bootleg, he shouldn’t have responded that way to me. I would have been honored that someone had been following me for so long. I would have been humbled. It’s not all about the money, is it? I was informed by a musicuan friend of mine, that dj’s get the leaked albums first. Well I lived with a dj for a whole year when I lived off campus and that’s how I eventually got the song “Soulmate”. It’s a beautiful song. It truly is. Raheem DeVaughn’s voice sounds like velvet and silk blowing in the wind. Can you imagine that? I just adore this song. It’s an absolute perfect song. I will explain.

I have a theory about absolute perfect songs as I call it, not to be confused with my theory of an absolute perfect moment. There is always a potential for a song to be perfect, but it needs to have great lyrics and wording that is poetic, an amazing sound with a catchy melody, the right timing, and the most important part, the feel. With these things combined properly, the perfect song can be created.

As I sit in my office, I can hear the way he harmonized this love song, and how I felt. I think this was the realest he had ever been when he made his first album, because I could feel him through the album. I listened to this song a lot, during a time when I was so down and out that I thought I was going to lose my mind. I was living on my own 8 hours away from home, family and friends, feeling alone, and under a ton of pressure with all my psycholgy classes. I felt like I was trapped in a deep, dark pit of despair, and the only thing that was real, that kept me really going was music, primarily, The Love Experience album. Now I’m not looking for an aww in the crowd, or sympathy. I actually look back on those times now, and I am in awe with The Creator, and how He brought me through, using the power of music.

When Raheem sang “Believe”, I was standing, leaning up against a wall, and I felt like I was having an out of body experience. It was as if no one else was there, and I was being reminded that God is always good. It was an absolute perfect moment. By far, one of the most powerful experiences I have had because I was reflecting on where I had come from, and how things have changed for me. I am finally in a place of total peace. I felt like I was in a surreal moment, beholding the body and being that held the voice that was able to pull me through the most difficult time of my life. I started tearing up and I couldn’t explain to you guys the feeling, because there are no words. I could barely fathom what it all meant, but if I have to explain the feeling, I will use this analogy.

Do you know what it feels like when you you are trying to put a puzzle together, and you’re about a quarter way in, and you want to give up, because it seems so easy? No one will really care, because you’ve just started out, and you really haven’t made any great achievements to begin with? You could just stop, and it would be as if you never started, and all people would say is, “so young. She barely lived or experienced a thing”. Then, as if by chance, after praying endlessly,  you find a piece that you need to help you really get everything else together, and soon, because you’ve found that one piece, everything starts coming together with a lot less diffuculty. Last night, watching him perform, felt like I was placing down that piece of the puzzle that I needed so desperately.

No empathy please.

I don’t want to make this into a huge thing. I’m going to let it go. This really just showed me that we are all too human. Some of us may have a talent, and utilize, extort it, or sweep it under an attitude of complacency. I just have to see that I got caught up in a state of total admiration for a human being that is just like you and I. I put this man on a pedestal, and when he failed to live up to my expectations, I kind of lost respect for him. I’m not making excuses for Raheem, because maybe he is just in it for the panties being thrown on him and the money, but maybe he is just a moody guy that is a good performer, but a sour grape after the show, or in his everyday life, and whether he is or not, I won’t allow that to affect me. The only thing that should matter to me is his musical instrument (his voice) and the songs he makes that I love.

I don’t know why I couldn’t say anything to him. I don’t know why I could just say “I don’t do bootleg anything honey”, or “oh no Mr. DeVaughn, you’ve got me all wrong. I have supported you from day one.” I guess because I was being rushed, and I didn’t have time to tell him all the things I had running through my head. I don’t know why it all played out that way, but I’m taking the lesson out of it, turning it into something positive, and hopng that this will come together and I will get another piece to the puzzle after I’ve passed the test.

Nothing happens by coincidence or chance. The puzzle is just coming together.

Maybe from now on, instead of buying so much, I’ll just stuck with purchasing the songs he makes that I like, instead of the entire album. I won’t do the shows anymore, or the entire album. I’m glad I don’t have a facebook or twitter anymore, so there is no need for me to friend him, because in all actuality, he’s not my friend. He is just an artist.

I’m actually grateful for the experience. I learned a good lesson, and I am going to apply it to all people. No one (except my immediate family and my close friends and my tight knit like glue people like friends that have become sisters, cousins, brothers and aunts) will get any favouritism. I’m going to treat all people the same, until they show me a different side to them. It’s the people that seem the worse that have the sweetest spirits, and vice versa.

Okay. I think he’s gotten enough blog time. On to the next topic, and I’ll just let this one subside.

Take care, and trust that there is no hate in my heart. I’m good. I’m going to concentrate on my music, my writing, and surrounding myself with positive energy. Peace and a bottle of hair grease. Deuces.

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