I Digress To What’s Been Repressed

I’m sitting, yet again, on a train headed to Manhattan, listening to “Deuces” by Chris Brown. What am I feeling at this moment? Well, I’m reflecting on a lot of the things I have done. Some friendships I have lost have happened that way, and they were necessary for my growth. They were negative, and were only for a time. I acknowledged that those friendships we’re supposed to for the time they were, and that after they have served their purpose, I was meant to learn a lesson, or have a companion, and then move on. BUT, (and I know that you are not technically supposed to start a sentence with the word but) there have been about one or two friendships that I know did not have to end the way did. Sometimes, I am haunted by the fact that my negative attitude and anger has caused my treasured friendships to alter into the nothingness that they now lie in.

There were three friendships that I know for a fact, I could have salvaged, had I dealt with the ending a bit differently. It is all a learning experience, and of course, the biggest thing that I have learned, is that there is always a positive life learning/ altering lesson to be taken away from each experience we may undergo, no matter how troubling, gruesome, or strange (for lack of a better word), that they might have been. I learned that I have a tendency to shut down when I am angry, and that it does not just occur when I am upset with just others, but also, myself. I used to be really hard on others, but moreso with myself. I am officially my worse critic and enemy. The “shut down mode” (as I call it), really is silent treatment. I will ignore phone calls, and as a matter of fact, any form of communication with whoever has aggravated or hurt me, rather than expressing how I feel. Of course, one could easily see how any friend that has done something hurtful, attempting to work things out, could feel as if they are getting no where, quickly, with me. Some may give up, and the ones that know me best, know to just give me some time, and that I will eventually come around.

Well here is my public apology to Samantha, Vanessa and Shenelle/ Keeley.

They may never read this, but it’s from my heart.

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