I Don’t Know Where To Begin At The Beginning

I am so overwhelmed. The forces of my ex, trying to maintain a friendship, and my heart breaking the more and more I attempt to continue to salvage the friendship each day is just so soul consuming. I’m trying not to stress it, but it drains me. I know I shouldn’t publicly declare this, but I still love him, and I know he still loves me. I thought love could conquer all, but now, as I get older, I realize that life gets complicated and sometimes, things get in the way. Two people can express their undying love for one another, but things as simple as anger, pride or grudges can hold the two apart, so that they cannot be free to love each other. Such is my case.

There is no real concrete reason as to why he and I really cannot be together. We have issues, yes, but I guess there is no real factor that holds us apart. Simple things like fear, anger and a grudge holds him at bay, and then I hold back because of our past and just the things I’ve seen when I have observed him over the years. He has yet to step up to the plate and show me that he is willing to let go of all these things, and in return, I continue on with me life, hoping that one day, he will just tell me that he is done.

He’s a great guy. If I could get what I really want, he would be my husband and we’d have a mess load of kids (smile). I just wished that things could work out for us to be together, but if it’s not working, there must be a reason. My friends don’t understand. After four years, I think only he and I know why we have endured one another for so long. We have had issues, as many couples, but love kept us going back. I’m not sure how it got to this place, but after today, I’m not sure we can move forward.

My heart is full and I am so tired of being tested. He has run experiments on me for all these years, to see if I will remain the virtuous woman he first fell in love with. Why the hell do men do that?!

I told him that gave up. I sent him a text that simply said “I give up… you win”. His response was “I didn’t know we were in a race”.

Typical.

I know I’m worth more than what I’m allowing myself to receive. Is there even still hope for the black woman of America anymore? Normally, I’m not this negative, but between all the studies and all the damn rejection and fear… not to mention my conservative ass that gives off a vibe that says “I’m tough, I’m an ABW and I’m independent. I don’t need you and I will let it be known”… I’m just a walking wreck sometimes.

I just put it all in God’s hands. I’m giving him more space and time to see what he really wants. I’m backing off because if it is meant to be, it will be. But I tell you guys, damn it, I love the hell out of him…

Maybe absence does not make the heart grow fonder, and maybe long distance relationships really do not work, and maybe I should just get out of this fairytale and move on. Maybe…

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