So many times, I’ve decided to give up on men. So many times, I’ve told myself to just let the notion of me being happy with a man go. I told myself to accept that I would be this 60 years old woman with a million dogs, a big home to hold them, and a rocking chair in front of a window, so I can yell at kids that run in my yard, or lean on my fence. In fact, the one major time I totally gave up on men, I met my 1 and only, now, ex boyfriend, so I guess the cliché is right. You know the one? If you are not looking, it will come to you. Unfortunately, he and I didn’t work out. He wasn’t ready to settle down and commit to me, and I wasn’t ready to introduce him to my critical, overly analytical Dad. Well that wasn’t what I wanted. If at least, I have to wait, then it’s only fair that the thing I want is something that will last. Isn’t that fair? Well I guess things don’t work that way all the time. Things don’t always go the way you planned.
I decided that it was time that I give up. Last week Monday, I deleted a bunch of numbers from my cell. I had lingering numbers of guys that I had given up on, and I still kept around. Why? I guess it was some security blanket for my ego. To remind me that I still had some male friends, even if I didn’t want anything to do with them. You see, my fear had been that one of these guys would think I was an impossible girl, and I just genuinely wanted to remain friends after I realized that none of them were my special match, but I didn’t want to be harsh about it. So this was how all these numbers stayed in my phone.
I never called them, and some of them never called me. There was a few that would occasionally text or call, but that was it. Some of them, I had really liked at one point, but of course, once I gave up on someone, that was it. What became an over due spring cleaning of numbers, turned into me getting rid of any and everybody I didn’t want in my life, including the guys I still liked, or crushed on. There was even one that I really liked and had asked me for my number, but in the end, I knew he didn’t know that I liked him, and I felt that the feeling was not mutual. I could have been wrong, but I would never know. I think he wanted to just be my friend, but it was that confusion that caused me to get rid of his number. Also, he never did the texting or contacting, and I hated when I would ask him a question, and he would never respond to my text. It just got so draining, and I just gave up.
I’m in a space of peace right now. I’m young, I know I’m pretty/ hott/ cute, whatever you want to call it, and I’m really trying to concentrate on my relationship with God, and what I can do for Him. I also really want to get back on top of my game. I want to do the things that make me happy, again. I don’t paint anymore. I don’t write like I used to, and I NEVER play my piano anymore. I miss writing songs. I don’t go to art shows or hang out with friends, or meet new people. I’m stuck in a rut, and I’m seeing where looking for a guy to love me the way I want to be loved is the last thing I should have been doing. I should be concentrating on loving me the way I want to be loved. I have started again.
I had movie night with a friend on Saturday and as old as we are, we watched The Little Mermaid and Aladdin, and I felt so good. I plan on going to the movies by myself this week after I get out of the office. I want to go back to 34th street and pick up a new top, and some shoes to go dancing next month. Most of all, this year, I am celebrating my birthday. I never celebrate my birthday.
This should be epic.
I think about all the things on my list, and I wonder if I have enough time, and what I was waiting for. I must admit, a lot of the things I have always wanted to do, I thought I would enjoy more if I had a boyfriend to do them with, or a really good girlfriend, like the way Oprah has Gail, or they have each other. I guess I’m alone right now, in every aspect of my life, for a reason. I feel myself pulling together, as i pick up the pieces that will complete me. Each one is different, but each one will help, and no matter how long I hold off, I will have to use each one to become whole.
I’ve gotten over my fear of heights, and being alone. I can get on roller coasters by myself, and even though I always ask myself “why the hell are you doing this”, I still have a blast every time? I am learning to accept that I am never alone, because even if I don’t have a single soul to talk to, I have God. I also, if push comes to shove, have myself. I heard that it’s cool to talk to yourself, just as long as you don’t answer. I think I’ve broken that rule though. (Smile).
I guess I could save all the hoopla of what I’ve always wanted to do, and what I have begun doing, and why I think this is all happening to me now, for another rainy day. Until then, have a safe, wonderful, fantabulous ( I occasionally make up my own words) Tuesday. It’s the last day of the month! Make the best of it. Celebrate life. Treat yourself. Do something fun. Make yourself happy, but remember, Big Brother is watching.